Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.

Note: The timeline does not follow canon and in Part Three the physical appearance of a character and some of the storyline is different from the episode it is based on.

I am sat in Sandrine's, as I usually do at this time of day, waiting for the crowd to come in. I feel good, relaxed. At last I feel as though I belong, well nearly. Becoming Harry's friend was a lucky break, lucky for him but very lucky for me. Because I am a friend of Harry's and he is a friend of B'Elanna's, I have made a bunch of friends who were Maquis and because Harry is Fleet I also have a group of friends who are Fleet. All in all, I'm Mr Popular. Old hurts have been put aside, grudges settled. It has been a slow process but eventually we have become one crew and at last I am on reasonable terms with the Commander. We are never going to be good friends but we have shared the odd game of pool. I have even had a few lunches with him, no big deal. On the whole he keeps himself to himself. Unlike me, I am like a kid in a candy store, and what a variety of candy to choose from.

I knew from a young age that I was bi-sexual. If they're good looking or good company, preferably both, I'll sleep with them, whether male or female and now I've got the pick of the crew, who are lonely and since we're in the Delta Quadrant, frustrated. Senior staff are out of bounds, too many complications when it ends. Not that I find any of them attractive. The Captain, she is just too controlling, Tuvok, too repressed and Chakotay, well he is just too straight.

Greg, Geron, Harry and B'Elanna join me and we settle down with a drink. We're all having a good laugh about another of Harry's mishaps and I am giving Geron the eye. He's a bit young but attractive in that naïve kind of way. I notice his eyes light up and then Ayala laughs.

"Down boy, Harry's got more chance of falling in love with an available woman, than you have with him." Ayala gazes fondly at the young Bajoran and for a moment I think there may be more to Ayala's feelings than acting the protective older brother.

"But Greg, he's just so sexy and manly and good-looking and I would give my right arm for just one night with him." Geron closes his eyes and gives a little moan.

I've slept with quite a few of the crew and nobody that good springs to mind. There must be someone I have missed on my trawl through the available crew so I turn to see who it is they are talking about. I look around trying to see just who is so sexy and manly but I cannot see anyone, the only person in that direction is Commander Celibate.

I lean forward, "who are you talking about?" I turn to look again.

"The Commander, of course. Isn't he the sexiest man you've ever seen?" Geron is practically dribbling with lust.

I look at Ayala puzzled. I mean Chakotay's not bad looking but he's not Voyager's equivalent of a sex god by any means.

"I think you're coming down with something Geron, I'd go see the doc. What do you say Greg?" I keep looking back around at the First Officer in case he's got something that's obvious to the others and I've just not noticed.

"Leave him alone Tom, most of the crew have had a crush on the Commander at some time." Greg reaches over and ruffles Geron's hair as thought he's some little kid, which compared to us, I suppose he is.

I feel like have fallen into an alternative universe, when did Chakotay become the resident heartthrob.

I look at my friends and as one they all nod.

"You've got a crush on Chakotay?" I look at Harry as if he's grown two heads.

"Did have, for about a six months. I thought it was so obvious that I expected you to call me on it."

"It never even occurred to me. I mean the man doesn’t do anything for me so I assumed he didn’t do anything for anyone else. Now I find everyone's drooling over him."

The conversation stops as the man in question joins us and takes a seat next to me. I look over at Geron and I see a maidenly blush creep over his cheeks. I laugh to myself.

Chakotay turns and looks at me, I mean really looks at me. He smiles, a genuine all the way to his eyes, smile.

"You alright Tom?"

I am certain that he didn’t have that smile before we had this little talk. For a moment only the two of us exists as he holds my gaze and then I break the gaze and look away.

This evening is turning too weird for my liking. "I'm fine Commander but if you don't mind I'll have to be going."

He stands up to let me out and as I pass him I can smell him, an earthy, musky scent. As I have not noticed this before I figure he must be wearing some new cologne.

"Hot date, Mr Paris?" Again that blinding smile.

"Not tonight." I walk away rather hastily.

When I'm back in the safety of my quarters I think over what as just happened. I find out nearly everyone on the ship is attracted to the First Officer but me. Why have I not been aware of this, why as no one mentioned to me that the Commander is hot stuff. Am I so self absorbed that I don’t notice what's going on around me. Some would say that I am. I admit that smile threw me and he did smell nice but there was no flickering interest in the pleasure department so I am glad to say I don't fancy the Commander. Despite the dazzling smile and friendly demeanour I am absolutely certain he wasn't coming onto me.

The next morning on the bridge I am a little apprehensive. Last night unsettled me and I am not sure what my reaction will be to Chakotay. My body has always had a mind of it's own, so to speak. What if after all the talk I suddenly find I am attracted to him or even worse have to walk around with a hard on all shift. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn’t know he was a hopeless case when it came to a bit of male bonding. If I knew he was interested I might consider dropping my senior staff rule. But when I look at him, not even a goose bump never mind anything else, not even when he squeezes my shoulder. All I can say is that's a relief, I can get back to wooing Geron.

Weeks pass. I give up on pursuing Geron when it becomes obvious Ayala is making sure I am getting nowhere near him. It doesn't matter because I'm keeping busy with Megan and Captain Proton.

One quiet shift, I'm busy musing on my date for the evening, when out of nowhere a damaged ship appears. Chakotay goes over to rescue the sole occupant. On board is a woman who informs us she has been on board Voyager before but her chemistry doesn't allow us to hold memories of her and that all our logs have been wiped of her appearance. She says her name is Kellin, that she comes from a closed society and that they will be coming to reclaim her. The biggest news is that she has been in a romance with the Commander or so she claims and has come back because she still loves him. At the start he is reserved but gradually he becomes more relaxed, laughing or smiling at the slightest thing. I know there are a few jealous stares, some of the crew are cynical about her motives. I am jealous but only because Chakotay has got the girl. She is tall, blonde and beautiful and I can't help feeling that the Commander is a lucky man.

Late one night I enter the mess hall and see them. They are unaware of me and for the first time I see Chakotay as a man of passion, of feeling. On duty he is so controlled, so centred and steady, it is hard to imagine him as I see him now. He is spoon-feeding her dessert, a look of pure delight and passion on his face. For a minute I think he looks beautiful but then I turn and leave.

Despite all of our efforts, a tracer from her world gets to her and purges her of her memories of Chakotay. He is upset when she returns to her people and becomes very solitary, working in his office, not socialising. It takes quite a while before he begins mixing with people again. I never thought I would say this but I miss his company, miss his presence about the ship, on the bridge, to be truthful I just miss him. One day I get in the turbo-lift and he is already in.

"You alright Chakotay?"

"Yeah, I will be. Thanks Tom." He looks away.

I react automatically. I reach out and squeeze his arm. "I've missed you, about the ship. It steadies me knowing you're there."

He gives me a little, sad smile and clasps my arm and nods.

The doors open on the bridge and I let out my breath. Fuck, what is happening. As Chakotay grabbed my arm I had instantly become aroused. It must be a stress thing because I am damned sure I'm not attracted to him.

At the end of the shift he pulls me to one side. "Would you join me for a meal tonight? I'd like some company." I want to say no, get away from him.

"Yes, I'd love to. What time?" I cannot believe I just said that, I am beginning to think something has taken over my mind as well as my body.

"19:00, that Ok?"

I nod dumbly.

"I'll see you then," and he turns away.

"Chakotay, where?"

"My quarters." And he gives me one of those smiles again.

Oh fuck, what if I spend all night with glazed eyes and a raging hard on. I'll call him later, make up some excuse and cancel.

I don't cancel but I do take out insurance. A solitary session in the shower should take care of any stray excitement for the evening.

The meal goes very well, he's good company. We tell each other stories about our time at the academy. The killer smile keeps appearing and occasionally I get a hint of his scent but luckily down below shows only disinterest.

Towards the end of the night we discuss his last romance, he felt he could have eventually fallen in love with her. He becomes quiet, I suppose mulling over what could have been.

I get up and thank him for the evening, saying we should do it again, sooner rather than later.

"Chakotay I'm really sorry it didn’t work out for you but you've got to look forward, someone else may come along."

He nods. "You’re a good friend, Tom. Thanks." Before I know it he pulls me into a manly embrace. I know it's just an affectionate way of saying thanks for being a friend but my arms automatically wrap around him and I pull him to me. For what seems like eternity but in reality is only seconds, we hold each other.

I break away. "See you on the bridge, goodnight."

"Goodnight Tom."

I quickly walk to my quarters and strip off. Climbing in the shower I stroke myself while remembering the feel of him in my arms. I recall the sensation of his powerful chest against mine, his strong arms around me. The smell of him is still in my nostrils. It only takes a minute before I am gasping at my release. Up until this moment I could deny, pretend, but now I know, I want Chakotay. What's changed I don’t know and the fact still remains Chakotay has never been interested in men and he's made it plain that he has no intentions of trying that little delight.

I think back to my courtship of B'Elanna. She had shown no interest in me but I had chased her relentlessly. I felt alive, planning on how to get her into bed. It gave me something to think about, something to aim for. I feel the same thrill when I think about Chakotay. Unfortunately once I'd got B'Elanna I lost interest. It was great at first but the thrill of the chase had gone and I started messing about, breaking dates, flirting with others. She soon put a stop to that, walked out on me. Still it was good while it lasted. If I could just get Chakotay interested, I wouldn't blow it this time.

I am already seated at the helm when Chakotay comes onto the bridge, laughing at something the Captain just said to him. Yeah, well she can forget that, he's mine. I laugh to myself at that ludicrous thought.

"Everything alright, Mr Paris?" Chakotay's deep, sexy voice wafts over to me.

"I'm fine Commander." My cock twitches in response. I settle down to flying, luckily it’s quiet so I can let my mind wander to various scenarios on how I can go about seducing the impossible. He is slowly becoming an obsession of mine.

His hand on my shoulder brings me out of an impossible fantasy of us being forced to make love by aliens.

"Good report on the away mission, Lieutenant." He gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze. A shiver travels through my body and I glance down and my nipples are erect and proud and on show for the crew to see. Good thing I'm facing away from everybody.

I slowly begin my campaign, asking him to join me for lunch, a drink in Sandrine's, a game of pool. At the same time I increase our bodily contact. I don’t know if he notices but I have become more tactile, touching his shoulder, squeezing his arm. Anything to be near him. After a few weeks we're getting together two or three times a week, sometimes with other people, sometimes alone. Every time I am alone with him, I spend the time semi aroused, not just my cock but my whole body feels alive. I look at him and I want to kiss him, kiss him passionately. I want to push him against the wall and take him hard. I want him to throw me on the bed and…… This kind of thinking is getting me nowhere but however much I try the thoughts keep coming back, usually at the most inappropriate time.

Our friendship remains just that. At none of our get togethers does he show any interest in me besides a friend and I appreciate that but I'm doing all the asking, putting in all the effort and I began to think that maybe if I didn’t set up our meetings we wouldn’t get together at all.

One night, after a game of pool and a drink Chakotay gives me a hesitant smile. I can see that he wants to say something but is finding it difficult.

"Is something the matter?"

"Tom I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but people are talking. About us." I watch him as he swallows nervously.

"What about us?" I don’t think I like where this conversation is going.

"People, some people, think there is more to us than friendship. I just thought you ought to know." He looks at me without smiling.

"And does that bother you?" My constant semi-arousal just disappeared.

"Well I'm not really bothered about gossip but I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Nothing against you personally but you do know I'm not interested in a relationship with a man, don't you? That this is about friendship, that's all?"

I nod. "Friendship's all I want Chakotay, you don't have to worry that I want anything else."

We chat a bit more but as soon as I can I make my excuses. Nothing's changed. I knew he was straight from the start but now he's put it in words I feel a sense of disappointment, a loss of hope.

Over the next few days I keep busy, catching up with Harry, going on a few dates. A week after our little chat Chakotay catches me as I finish the shift.

"Would you like to meet up for a meal and a chat tonight?" He gives a hopeful smile.

Well I did say I wanted friendship so I agree. But it is hard, and I don’t just mean my dick, to sit opposite him and pretend I don’t want him. But I do feel good that he's asked me.

We still spend time with each other. As I do less of the asking the Commander does more, which pleases me and we settle down to meeting up just once a week. Unfortunately I can't throw off the feeling that I want him so once a week is more than enough.

We go on an away mission, Harry, Chakotay and me, to scan some anomalous readings. The mission's relaxed, we all have a good laugh, enjoy each other's company. On the way back we are attacked by some Delta bully and just get out by the seat of our pants. Back on board Voyager, Chakotay asks both Harry and me to dinner that night. We both agree, Harry too eagerly for my liking. The camaraderie of the flyer carries over to the meal and before long we are laughing at each other's stories of first loves. Well mine and Harry's first loves, Chakotay doesn't say much on that front. Harry leaves, he's on early duty tomorrow and then there's just Chakotay and me. I have had too much wine, it makes me feel mellow, relaxed, a little too relaxed. We sit on the couch and I tell him a story of being caught in bed with one of my dad's young protégés. Like I said too much wine, because as he laughs at something I say, I lean over and kiss him. A small, gentle, hardly there kiss. The way he jumps out of the seat anyone watching would have thought I had touched him with a Klingon pain stick.

I leap up as well, "I'm sorry Chakotay. I am so sorry."

"No Tom, it's me who should be sorry. I must have given you the wrong idea." His face is distraught.

"No, I've offended you. I don’t want our friendship to end but I need to be honest with you. I've been attracted to you for a while. I know you don’t do the guy thing, and I respect that. I'm sorry I'll go."

I turn to go, embarrassed and sad that I have ruined a good friendship.

"Tom, we can still be friends."

I nod and get out. We can still be friends, as long as there are other people about. Because you can bet your last credit that if he's alone with me, he'll not be able to relax. Every time I move he'll think I'm going to pounce.

As I thought, the next time we have dinner he invites B'Elanna. I suppose it's better than nothing but I feel disappointed. Even though nothing sexual ever happened the permanent arousal I felt at our meetings was like exquisite torture and I miss that feeling. The goosebumps as he smiles at me, the hardening of my cock through the evening, the orgasm that blows me away the minute I got back to my quarters. It isn't the same when other people are present but I suppose I've only got myself to blame.

A couple of months later Chakotay goes on an away mission and I decide to use the time to get my thoughts into order. While I had been pursuing Chakotay I had put the rest of my life on hold. Harry had called me on it once or twice. I just told him I was giving my dick a rest. I don’t know if he bought that little story or not.

At the helm I am busy bantering with the Captain about how boring this area of space is and she's threatening me with other work when we come across a Borg cube. Luckily it is dead in space and we are all relieved when we find out there are no life signs aboard. The Captain decides to take an away team over. What they find is 1100 Borg corpses, the result of some kind of accident that happened 5 years before. What puzzles the away team is why did the Borg collective just leave their ship. B'Elanna suggests that it could be because an enemy more powerful than the Borg attacked them. On this thought the Captain decides to meet up with the Commander earlier than planned.

I just want him back on board, to know he is safe. When we get to the agreed meeting place, a message left 3 days earlier informs us that the away team have gone to answer a distress call.

Eventually we get Chakotay back on board with someone called Riley Frazier. We find out that not only has Chakotay been very ill but that the group he has been helping are former borg. Riley asks the Captain for help in re-connecting the neural link, between all the people on the planet, using the Cube's generator. The captain refuses and it turns very messy when they take control of Chakotay's mind and force him into restarting the generator. Luckily they destroy the Cube and we get back on to our journey home. All Chakotay wants to do is to forget the whole experience but to do that he needs to get it out of his system.

A few days after the dust settles he invites me to dinner. The table only seems to be set for two.

"Anyone joining us?" I ask, hopeful that we can spend some time together talking over what happened to him.

"No it's just me and you."

After eating, I gently cajole him to tell me what happened.

He's reluctant at first but eventually after some coaxing he opens up to me.

"We were set upon immediately. We tried to fight but we were both hit. I was so helpless, I couldn’t get to Kaplan, I couldn't save her. When I became conscious, the group who had rescued me told me that they had been stranded there and that the different groups spent a lot of time and energy fighting each other. I offered to help them with their technology but they were very cautious, very secretive. I became suspicious and crept out and discovered they had been borg. That came as a shock and made me very wary but I was in no state to put up a fight. When my condition worsened the only solution they could come up with was for me to link in with them. I've got to tell you Tom, it was a really strange experience. I didn’t want them to do it but without the link I would have died. I was as mad as hell that they took control of me. I know I didn’t have control of my actions but I felt, still feel, responsible. How could I let them take advantage of me like that? How could I have been so weak?"

"Chakotay, no one holds you responsible. You need to put it behind you." I wanted to gather him into my arms, hold him safe but I knew he would just shrink from my touch, so I just watched him.

I had heard that Chakotay had got it together with the woman named Riley. So even though Chakotay had made it plain from the start that I had no chance with him, it was hearing about his involvement with this woman that finally brought it home.

I know pursuing Chakotay is a waste of time but unfortunately my body hasn't caught up with that notion yet. I feel the goosebumps on the back of my neck. He hands me a glass of wine and gives me one of his smiles, his eyes locking with mine. It's an old routine but one I've become fond of. The goosebumps come first, then the nipples began to harden and then my dick follows. I haven’t done it for a while but I'm up to the nipple stage already. I know if he puts his hand on my shoulder I'll be hard. When I get back to my room, I'll explode before I've even got my trousers off. I hadn't realised how much I had missed this solitary dance of arousal.

We sit and chat some more, all the time I want him to mention the woman but he doesn't, cleverly skirting around it.

As the question keeps going around in my head I blurt it out without a thought.

"What about the woman? Did you fall in love with her?" A touch of bitterness unintentionally creeps in.

"After they had healed me, I still had a residual link with her. If she touched her face, I could feel the touch on mine. Everything was more intense. I could see all their memories. She came onto me, wanting to preserve the link a little longer. We made love, but no I didn't fall in love with her. I am ashamed to say I used her." He hangs his head down.

I don't know what to say or do. He's thrown me with this last piece of information.

"What for sex?"

He looks at me, his eyes troubled, his face grim.

"Tom, when you kissed me, you scared me, to use one of your sayings, you put a spanner in the works.

I begin to apologise again but he stops me.

"Hear me out Tom, this is not easy to say."

I know what he is going to say, he doesn't want me around any more. I make him feel too uncomfortable.

I look at him and can see some internal struggle taking place. He takes a drink, carefully puts it back down, all his concentration on placing the glass correctly. I wait, holding my breath.

"I didn't want to think about you, what you were offering. When Riley came along and made it plain she was attracted to me I wanted to prove that it was a woman I wanted. She soon had me aroused and I wanted her so much. She was an attractive woman and well, it's been awhile."

Gods, I did not want to hear this. Is he doing this on a purpose, telling me how hard he is for a woman? Is it his not so subtle way of saying fuck off, not interested?

"The thing is Tom." He reaches over and lifts up my head. He seems unable to continue.

"The thing is, I was hard for her but when I entered her, when I thrust into her, it was your face I saw." He stands up quickly and turns away from me. "When she moaned I wanted it to be you moaning and when she shouted out her climax it was your face I wanted to see. I made love to her over and over trying to get rid of your face, the thought of what it would be like to take you and I couldn't."

I watch as he leans his forehead on the cool glass. For a moment I just stare at him but then I move quickly. Striding over to him I turn him around and before he can react I kiss him, thoroughly. I am surprised when he moans and kisses me back. Chakotay wants me and I can tell he really wants me by the hardness pressing against me.

I need to take this slow, the last thing I want to do is scare him. I lead him back over to the couch.

"Do you want me, as a lover?" I want him so much that if he says no I don’t know what I'll do.

A mumbled reply. I ask again. "Do you want me?"

He leans forward. "Yes." Then he is kissing me, his hands roaming over my body. I don’t know about me scaring him, he's frightening me with his passion.

We move to the bedroom, Chakotay taking off his clothes as he comes through the door.

"Chakotay we don’t have to do this yet, we can take it slow, build up to it when you are ready." I look at his aroused eyes and all I can see is his lust for me.

"No Tom, we've waited long enough. I want you now."

I can't think, don’t want to think as his hands, mouth and body are all over mine. All I can say is he's a natural at this. I thought I would be the tutor and he would be the pupil but he doesn’t need it, he seems to be doing everything by instinct. And what instinct. He has me prepared in no time. As he begins to slowly work his cock into me it occurs to me that if this is Chakotay's first time what is he going to be like once he knows what he is doing. And then I stop thinking as he begins to thrust.

"Oh fuck Tom, this is so good, better than I dreamed of." He's telling me how beautiful I am, how much he wants me and then he's stroking me, fucking me hard, moaning with every thrust. I come with so much force and that's all Chakotay needs.

I lay in his arms, completely satisfied, happy, contented even. Finally I have got my man. I have never pursued anyone as long as Chakotay, never wanted anyone as much. We are going to make such sweet music together.

TBC

Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.

This part was inspired by a story called the Fox and the Wolf by Zorrorojo


Three weeks of absolute bliss. Making love, teasing, talking, kissing, getting to know each other, but mainly making love. We decide to keep our relationship a secret, well I decided. I think it best if we give ourselves time before we open up the floodgates of interest. Tom doesn't like this at all, wants to shout it from the rooftops, broods a bit when I insist.

Two weeks later he becomes more insistent, saying I am ashamed to be with him. I stand my ground, one thing I've learnt is not to give into Tom Paris straight away or he'll just walk all over you. We have a row over it and he storms out. The day after I hear rumours that he visited one of the twins. I confront him about it but he denies it, says I am the only one. We make up, make up pretty spectacularly, he cannot do enough for me. We see each other for the next few days and things are good again. Then he is too busy to see me, busy with Harry he says. I crave for his body, his company so next day I ask him if we can get together. He says he's got plans but will try to drop by. He does, eventually. Saunters in, says he doesn't have much time, let's get naked and ashamedly I do. He responds with passion as he usually does but as soon as our lovemaking is over he makes his excuses and leaves. We meet up the next night and everything is fine so I put it down to my imagination and a little insecurity. In fact we laugh and talk like we did at the beginning and make love half the night. I whistle as I head for the bridge, things are back on track.

He asks me to his place for a meal. That doesn't happen often and when I get there I can see he has put in a lot of effort. My heart swells. He is attentive, charming, seductive and as he lies in my arms, I find out why.

"Chakotay, I want people to know we're together. Let's throw a party and come out into the open."

Again I put my foot down and again he argues with me, shouts at me to get out. He apologises the next day but says he cannot see me that night, busy again. Next day I hear he's spent most the night in Sandrine's with Sue Nicolletti, where he went afterwards I was on my way to find out.

He is on the holodeck, tinkering with one of his automobiles.

"So you were too busy to see me and what or who were you busy with." I try to keep my voice calm, unthreatening.

He pulls out from under the car and smiles up at me. "Just with an old friend that's all. She needed someone to talk to."

"Did you spend the night with her?"

"Yes, but not how you mean. She's having some personal problems, I stayed on the couch."

I turn to go, not trusting myself to speak. He could be telling me the truth but equally he could be lying. He has never been known for his fidelity.

He jumps up and grabs me and turns me around. "Chakotay, I was just helping a friend, you've got to believe that. Nothing happened."

Then he begins kissing me, rubbing against me. "You know there's only you. Let's have a night out tonight. Game of pool, a couple of drinks, then back to your place for a meal and some lovemaking, what do you say to that lover boy."

"How about some of that lovemaking now?" It doesn't take much for him to wrap me around his little finger.

"Engage privacy lock. You want to fuck me Chakotay." He moves away from me, seductively leaning back onto the automobile. I stare as he slowly slips his overalls down to his waist, showing his well-made chest, covered in that soft down I so love. He begins stroking his nipples, sucking on his lower lip. He knows just how to play me. He pulls his zip down further so I can just glance the matching pubic curls. He moves over to me and whispers in my ear. "Or would you rather I went down on you." He licks his lips and then kneels down.

"Oh fuck, yes Tom." He doesn't do this often but when he does, it is with such talent that it never takes me long and this time is no different.

I reach over to rub him but his hand stops me, "I can wait till tonight."

This evening I am going to make love to him, like nobody else has. By the time we have finished he will not want to look at anyone but me.

I make my way back mollified for the moment. I know I will have to give into him about going public. I will tell him tonight.

Sitting in Sandrine's we chat a while and after getting the drinks I momentarily put my hand on his.

"Is something a matter Chakotay? You don’t usually show any signs of affection in public." He looks puzzled and a little worried.

"Tom, I think you're right we should tell people about us. Do you want to call over some of our friends and we can have a drink and tell them. That will soon get the news ship wide."

The happiness in his face is a pleasure to see. He leans over and kisses me, not waiting to call our friends over.

We soon have them all gathered around, a drink in hand. The main thing is that Kathryn is here, I really wanted to tell her before the others, she will be so shocked. Everyone will be shocked, me with another man is way out of their understanding and me with Tom Paris is unthinkable.

"OK Chakotay, what’s this about?" I can see that the Captain is puzzled and curious.

"I know this will be a surprise to all of you but Tom and I are.., well it’s just that.., the thing is, we're seeing each other."

Stunned silence as everyone looks at each other.

"This is a joke right?" B'Elanna never one to hold back comes straight to the point.

Tom moves over to me and holds my hand, "No joke, we've been together a few weeks now. We needed a little time before we told everyone."

They all have a drink with us and wish us well, though I can see the bewildered looks passing between our friends.

B'Elanna takes me to one side. "I hope you know what you are getting yourself into Chakotay. He's a very complex man. I know you take relationships seriously and Tom's not known for his faithfulness."

"He'll be different with me, we’ve got something special."

"I hope you're right. I wish you both the best, you'll need it." She gives me a squeeze on the shoulder. I think the questions about me being with a man will come later, in private.

We walk back to my quarters, Tom clinging to my hand all the way. He is so pleased, so thankful that at last we've gone public. He shows me how grateful when we get into my bedroom and I show him how much I want him. All the doubts over the last couple of weeks disappear as we make love through the night, and the next night and the next.

I hear from Ayala that there is a lot of conjecture about how we got together, some of it not to pleasant but I don’t feel the need to explain why I am now with a man. That's mine and Tom's business and nobody else's.

I haven’t seen much of Tom today, he's been doing a shift in sickbay but as I'm preparing the meal I smile to myself, we are going to have such a good time tonight. I have made a special effort, set the table with flowers, candles lit, soft music playing, and his favourite meal. All I need now is my passionate blonde.

Five minutes passed our agreed time, ten minutes. When it gets to 30 minutes I ask for his location. I can’t believe he could be so forgetful or careless. He's on the holodeck and according to the computer he's with Harry and they're doing the Captain Proton thing.

I try to comm him but he's turned communications off, except for emergencies. I pace the room, blow out the candles, unset the table. Eventually I settle down to do some reports but I am working on autopilot. Two hours later he comes sailing in, not a care in the world.

"How are things?" He carelessly kisses me on the head and throws himself on the couch not even waiting to hear my answer.

"Where the fuck have you been?" I stand over him, clenching my fists as I fight to control my temper.

"Whoa, what's with you? I've been on the holodeck with Harry. Lighten up will you."

"Lighten up. We were supposed to be meeting up, having a meal together, two hours ago. I got everything ready and were was Tom, fucking about with Harry as usual."

"Hey, don’t give me any of that heavy handed stuff, I'm not in the mood. Do you want me to stay or not?"

"I think I want you to leave."

He jumps off the seat, "come on Chakotay, I just forgot that's all. Let me stay, I'll make it up to you."

Before I can argue his tongue is exploring my mouth and his hand is exploring my dick and then whatever argument I was going to use is gone as he leads me to the bedroom.

Over the next two weeks his meetings with me get more spasmodic. The more I press him, try to tie him down the more elusive he becomes. We've gone from making love at every available opportunity to a quick fuck in the shower and a rushed blow job during one lunch time. His excuses range from tiredness, though later I will find him on one of the holodecks, to one of his friends needs him as a shoulder to cry on. At the beginning of this relationship I had been ready to give my heart to Tom but now I can feel myself pulling back. It has taken a long time for me to let my barriers down and now I feel I am being made a fool of. I know it has to stop.

I make arrangements for him to come over for dinner and a drink. I intend to sort out our relationship once and for all. I meditate to give myself some much need equilibrium and set the scene for a relaxing meal. Once again the time passes and I can feel my temper rising with each passing minute. After 20 minutes have passed I ask for his location.

I make my way to Harry Kim's quarters. I don't know what scene I will find there, for all I know they could have been bed partners since the start. I don't think so but what do I know. I buzz and I'm let in straight away. They are having a drink and playing cards. Tom looks up and gives me a lazy grin.

"What's up?"

"I thought we had arranged to have dinner?" I keep my voice even.

"Oh shit, sorry. I didn’t realise the time. I'll just finish this hand and then I'll come and join you." He hasn't even finished the sentence before his head is back down playing the cards.

"Oh no, you'll come now." His head jerks back up at the timbre of my voice. I grab his arm.

"Goodnight Harry."

All the way back to my quarters he tries to get out of my grip, mumbling along the way. I don't trust myself to stay calm so I keep quiet.

Walking through the doors I fling him against the wall. So much for equilibrium.

"What are you playing at Tom. If you want to end our relationship, end it but I've finished with these shitty games you keep playing. You can't even show me respect and turn up when we've arranged to meet. What do you want Tom?"

He straightens up and glares at me. "What I want Chakotay is for you to stop crowding me, telling me what to do, playing the big man. We've only been seeing each other a couple of weeks and you act like we've been married years. Asking me where I'm going, who I'm with. I don’t want us to finish but I sure would like some space to breath. Now are we going to eat or what?"

We eat in sullen silence. Maybe he is right, maybe I am suffocating him. I am older, less confident in the relationship than him, maybe I am too overbearing. We finish the meal and I surreptitiously look at him. He is so good looking, so arousing that I push the worries and niggles to the back of my mind, blaming myself.

"Stay the night Tom. We haven’t made love in a while." I reach out and touch his hand.

His face softens and a smile appears. "I'd like that." He stands, takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom.

"Come on Chakotay, let's put a smile on your face."

The next morning he quickly gets ready and leaves, says he has some business to take care of. As soon as he has gone, the doubts and worries return. If I am not careful I am going to be taken for a sucker, if I haven't been already. He is special to me, but am I just one of many to him.

I dress and make my way to the mess hall. I take the long way round, walking through the corridors, it’s a good way of getting my thoughts in order. As I walk through a little used area of the ship I hear whispered voices. The hair standing up on the back of my neck warns me something is amiss. I quietly approach the corner and look round. The pain that shoots through me is physical. Geron is leant on the wall, his body language saying fuck me. Tom has his hands on the wall on either side of the Bajoran's head. Geron is laughing at something Tom has said and then Tom leans forward and kisses him on the lips. His right hand wanders down to Geron's slim hips to pull him forward. Just then Ayala's voice comes over Geron's badge and they jump apart.

I have seen enough. My first reaction is to tear him apart. Everyone on Voyager sees me as this calm, steadfast, peaceful commander when in fact I'm capable of being a killing machine and at this moment all my training is coming in to play to avoid me becoming one. I march back to my room and fight back the tears. I've only cried three times in my adult life and I am damned sure this is not going to be my fourth, not over that cheating, two timing bastard. The first time I cried I swore that it wouldn't happen again. My first year at the academy, my married lover who I had lost my virginity to, had ended it, things were getting too risky. I didn’t like it but I had seen the sense in it until I heard that my lover had soon taken up with another first year student. After that I just had casual sex, no ties. Plenty of women were eager to keep me company. But it did happen again, I fell in love with another student, tall, blue eyed blonde, must have a weakness for them. Two years we were together, we had even made plans, and then my lover had to leave because of family commitments. Neither of us wanted to part but a sense of obligation took over and I was on my own again. That was the last time I cried over a relationship, the next time was over the death of my father.

I can confront him, knock some sense into him but that would only get me brig time. I need to play a cleverer game than that, after all I didn't ace in tactics for nothing. The first thing I need to do is have a word with B'Elanna, see if she can shed some light on Tom's erratic behaviour.

I reschedule the duty roster to allow B'Elanna and me to spend some time together. I cannot face Tom yet, I don't trust myself not to lose my temper with him. I reserve some Holodeck time and I take B'Elanna walking through the Dorvan hills. The trail is quite energetic so it doesn't leave us much time to talk but once we have got to the peak we settle down for a picnic.

"Alright Chakotay, what do you want to talk about?" She gives me a smile as she attacks a pile of sandwiches.

"I'm that transparent am I?" I give her a grin back.

"This is about Tom, isn’t it? Let me guess. He spent a lot of time wooing you and now he's got you, he's not interested but if you back off he becomes keen again. Not only that you've heard rumours of him with other people."

I look at her amazed.

"Been there, done that, Chakotay. He chased me for three months. There was nobody else for him and the first few weeks we got together, were great, fantastic even. Then he started missing dates, making excuses. I heard he'd been seen with other people, of course he denied it. I ran after him and the more I ran after him the more distance he put between us. Well you know how it ended." She paused, looking out into the distance. "How did you two get together? You could have blown me away when you told us."

I was still reeling from her description of their relationship, nearly a mirror image of ours.

"Same as you, he pursued me, courted me I suppose. I wasn't interested but in the end he just got under my skin. He's doing everything you've just said, backing off, two timing. The thing is I want him, badly and I don’t know how to deal with it." I could feel the tears threatening again but I steadied myself.

"You want my advice Chakotay, back off, and feign disinterest. Don't ask him to meet, let him do the running and confront him about the two timing. The more he gets away with the more he'll try to get away with. You have to be strong with him, if he sees a weakness in you he will use it. But I'm sorry to say if you are hoping for a long and faithful relationship with our favourite pilot, you are asking for a lot of heartache. He doesn't do commitment very well, if at all."

We finish off the picnic and chat amiably. I thank her, hugging her to me. We arrange to meet for dinner, talk some more. She is a real friend, a comfort to me. I make my way back to my quarters, my mind resolved to be firm with Tom. We haven't been together that long but quite a few of his belongings have strayed to my quarters. Getting a container, I pack them away with the few gifts he has given me. The first chance I get I am going to confront him. I intend to play him at his own game and I am prepared to lose him altogether than open myself to betrayal and humiliation.

Now I have things straight in my mind I settle to meditate. I am not going on a spirit walk I just need to centre myself, prepare myself for my dealings with Tom. After awhile I can feel the peace settle, the turmoil in my mind retreat and I know I am doing the right thing.

I feel better than I have done in days. When the rumours of Tom's dalliances started, I tried to ignore them, pretend it wasn't happening. That was my first mistake, it was a betrayal of my own needs, my own principals, a weakness on my part and Tom is a weakness I cannot afford. Now that I have thought deeply over our relationship I realise that I am selling my self short, that I am allowing Tom to treat me like this and to get my self-respect back I need to put a stop to it.

I am just getting ready for my dinner with B'Elanna when my door chime breaks into my thoughts. I wrap the towel around my waist and call enter. Tom strides in, confident, cheerful, expectant.

"How are ya, missed you on the bridge. Want to go for a drink, something to eat?"

He sits down on the couch. I can tell he is expecting me to jump at the chance.

"Can't tonight, already got some plans." I gave him a killer smile and move into the bedroom.

I smile to myself at the shocked look on his face. I know he is at the door as I slowly remove the towel. I bend over to get my underwear out of the drawer, giving him a good view of what he is missing.

"Well cancel it, we don’t get that much time together." His voice is developing a sulky element, he isn't used to being turned down.

"Impossible, this is something special. Now run along and let me get dressed." He doesn't move as I put on the black trousers he so loves and the most flattering shirt in the wardrobe.

As I brush my hair I watch him in the mirror, as he watches me. Maybe B'Elanna is right. I think Tom needs to be reminded what he has got and what he will be losing if he doesn't get his act together. Splashing on cologne, which I hardly use, I turn and give him another smile.

"Still here, I am sure you've got better things to do."

I can see he is going to say something but I just walk by him and over to the replicator and order a bottle of the best wine.

"Who is it?" His face has lost the smart grin, the confident air. Good, he is at least thinking.

"Now that would be telling. I've got to go, let yourself out." I step to the side of him and out the door. I know he will ask my whereabouts, but as my badge is on the side of the bed he won't be finding out the easy way.

B'Elanna knows my game and approves. "I take by the way you are dressed to kill that Mr Paris dropped by?" She laughs as she pours the wine.

"Yes he was rather curious about who I am spending my time with."

We sit at the table, eat and talk, easy in each other's company.

"I have got to say that you look better than this morning." She reaches over and squeezes my hand.

"I've thought it through and I think you are right, I'm going to confront him about Geron and then cool it. I've played the fool to Tom Paris, once to often. If it ends, it ends. If he thinks I am one of the usual crowd, that he can mess me about, it's about time he found out he's playing with fire."

We have a pleasant time, discussing our errant pilot only a small part of the night. B'Elanna and I have a good history between us, and plenty to reminisce over, too much to reminisce over. It is late into the night as I make my way back to my quarters.

I am tired as I move towards the bedroom. Sad that soon I will have to confront Tom but buoyed by my talk with B'Elanna. I open the door and stop. Tom is laid naked and asleep in my bed. The image of him kissing Geron arises unbidden and I fight to keep the anger down. For me to make an impact on Tom I need to keep calm and rational.

I pull off the covers. "What do you think you are doing?"

It takes a minute or two for him to come round.

"I said what do you think you are doing, in my bed? I don’t recall inviting you."

He puts on his seductive smile, the one that has worked many times before and not just on me. He stretches out, showing off his body, looking at me with half closed eyes.

"I didn't know I needed an invite. You've been a long time Chakotay. I hope you've got some energy left for me?"

"Tom, get out of my bed and get dressed. I want you to go back to your own quarters."

That makes him sit up, literally. The smile disappears from his face.

"You're kidding, aren't you?" His face looks unsure, hurt even.

"The other day I saw you with Geron." I begin taking off my shirt, steeling myself to be strong.

"So, he's part of the crew. What's your point?" The smirk is back.

"And do you kiss all the crew?" The smirk falters.

"I don’t know what you mean. Come on get in bed."

"I saw you trying to seduce Geron, saw you kissing him. Don’t even try to lie to me. All you are showing me lately is disrespect. Now get out and take your things with you, there all in a box on the table." I take off the rest of my clothes and get in bed.

"I'll not lie to you, but it was just a bit of harmless fun. It's not like we're living together or anything. We never said we'd be exclusive. Come on, let me stay."

"I was serious about you, obviously you don't feel the same way. I don’t share. Now I am telling you, get out before I call security and don’t think for one minute I won’t do it."

He climbs out of the bed and quickly slips on his clothes. His hands are shaking, so I know I have at least disturbed him.

"So you're ending this?"

"Do you want to end it Tom?"

He reaches over to touch me but I move out of his reach.

"No." He looks shaken.

I relent, just a little. "I'll be in Sandrine's tomorrow night if you want to join me for a drink." I then turn my back to him and call for lights.

Next day he is subdued on the bridge, it shouldn’t but this pleases me. If for one minute he thinks I am like all the others he is mistaken.

Over lunch with the Captain she asks me if I have time for an informal meeting over dinner. I think for a moment over my offer to join Tom and make up my mind to meet with Kathryn. I toy with the idea of telling Tom I won't be in Sandrine's but then I think over the nights I have sat about my quarters waiting for him. No, I will let him wait, that's if he bothers to turn up at all.

Just before the end of shift I give his shoulder a quick squeeze as I pass. He smiles, one of those smiles from the days when he was wooing me. I just bet over the years he has got his own way with that smile. I smile back and leave the bridge.

The dinner with Kathryn is pleasant, as always. Like B'Elanna she is a good friend. After discussing the up and coming performance reviews and various other pieces of routine work she cuts to the chase.

"So Chakotay, what's happening with you and Tom? I have heard rumours that there is trouble in paradise."

I have to smile at her, also like B'Elanna, subtlety is not her forte.

"Well unfortunately paradise only lasted a few weeks before Tom got itchy feet. He thinks I'm playing the heavy hand so he keeps blowing hot and cold. One minute he's all over me the next he doesn’t bother to turn up for dinner, flirts with all and sundry." I shake my head. "Could even be sleeping with them for all I know."

"So what are you doing about it? I know you Chakotay and I can’t see you just putting up with that kind of treatment." She pours me another drink and gives me a sympathetic smile. She knows what it cost me to go public with our relationship so soon.

"I'm giving him a taste of his own medicine. I've backed off, given him time to think things through. Maybe he'll make an effort, maybe he'll just walk away but I know this he's not going to bring me down in the process." Tough words, though I know they are just words because inside I still crave him.

"So you've finished it?"

"No just giving him time to see what he'll be losing." She laughs at that and I laugh with her.

"I never put you down for a man with a big ego."

"That's not the only thing I've got that's big." Her eyes shoot up to meet mine, amazement on her face. "My level of patience and understand is rather large as well or else I would have taken him apart by now."

She shakes her head, laughing. "I never understood how you two got together. I know for a certainty, that wager never appeared in the betting pool."

"I can tell you I wouldn't have bet on that one myself. Never looked at him in that way, never even considered him. He just started spending time with me and slowly, against all my better judgement I fell for him. In the beginning I couldn't have asked for a better relationship but now, well I don’t know how we'll end up."

"But you still want him?"

"Oh I still want him, but on my terms not his." I get up to go and she gives me a friendly hug.

"Be careful Chakotay, he's not a stayer."

"I'm beginning to think you're right. Goodnight Kathryn."

It's still early so I make my way to Sandrine's. I don't know what I'll find there, Tom could be flirting his way around the bar. But if he is, I know that this is a lost cause. I glance around and at first I don't see him but then I spot him sat alone in a corner. He looks forlorn and I weaken, just a little.

He looks up as I approach giving me the saddest smile and then his face changes as anger takes over.

"You took your fucking time. Making cosy with the captain? So you finally got your way with her. Is that who you were with last night? I've just been a substitute for her haven't I? You wanted her all along."

He gets to leave but I grab his wrist.

"Sit down." He hesitates, ready to argue and then sits.

"Been waiting, well you know how I feel, when you are too busy with Harry, Jenny, Megan, or Geron, or anyone else who takes your fancy and no I wasn't with the Captain last night and no you are not a substitute for anyone.

He looks away, unable to argue.

His hand stretches out and he strokes my hand. "Please let's not argue, we've not seen much of each other, let's go back to your place." He is giving me the puppy dog eyes and I am just ready to give in, for tonight anyway, when Ericcson walks by.

"Evening Tom."

Tom looks up at Ericcson, "Good Evening to you as well." He gives Ericcson a flirty smile.

I can see that for a moment I am forgotten. Despite everything he still hasn't learnt his lesson at all.

He turns back to me, unaware of his behaviour

"Are we ready to go?" He again reaches for my hand.

"No, there's something I need to take care of." I turn towards Ericcson, who is stood at the bar.

"Ericcson." I beckon the young ensign over.

"You can sit here if you like. I've finished with Mr Paris."

I get up and walk out. They both can take that how they want.

I stop by my quarters, put my badge on the desk and head for a secluded place where I can think. If Tom's been looking for me he doesn't find me and the next time I see him, is on the bridge. He looks at me with worried eyes but says nothing. I make sure I am unavailable at the lunch break and by the end of shift I have convinced the Captain to let me take a shuttle, so I can honour my ancestors. I need to get away and sort out the feelings and thoughts in my mind.

Slowly all the jumbled thoughts coalesce into one thought. I need to make love to Tom one more time, to ravish all of his body. I want to take all he is offering one last time and then end it before he causes any more hurt. It's quite simple really, all the thinking, meditating and it boils down to I need to fuck him and then walk away.

As soon as I dock the shuttle and walk through the doors, I see Tom waiting for me.

"I need to talk to you now, in your quarters." His face is serious, practically grim.

"OK Tom."

As soon as we get through the door, he flings me against the wall, kissing me hard. He is soon breathing heavy as he struggles to get me out of my clothes.

"Chakotay I've missed you, I want you so much." He goes to kneel down but I stop him.

"Take your clothes off and go lay on the bed and wait for me."

He looks at me uncertain.

"Now."

He goes into the bedroom and I take a few minutes to calm down. I am going to call the shots. I want him to know what he has got and what he is losing and I want him to know that though I care for him deeply, this will end if he doesn't play the game by my rules. My decision to walk away was easier in the shuttle but now I am with him I know it will take all my willpower.

I leave it long enough to give me the edge, make him uncertain and then a walk in quietly and just watch for a moment as he lies looking out at the stars. Looking at him I am certain I want to keep him, exclusively mine. He is so beautiful, stretched out for the taking. I love his spirit, his courage, his willingness to put his life on the line, as well as the body before me.

I kiss him gently trying to convey how much he means to me with just my lips and he responds, wanting more. His eyes hold a sadness and for a moment, they seem bright with unshed tears.

"Tom, look at me. Is something a matter?"

"I am sorry I treated you badly but you know I may have messed about a bit but a swear I didn't sleep with anyone else. You have got to believe that I have only slept with you since this began. I just panic when people get too close to me but I don't want to lose you.

"Shh, Tom we'll talk about it later. I just want to make love to you."

I slowly make my way south. Giving a blow job is not one of my strengths. Luckily Tom never insists though I never turn one down. But I want to please Tom so I slowly began teasing him with my tongue. My theory is that if I toy with him enough when I eventually take him in my mouth he will be so ready that he will be quick.

After swirling my tongue over the head of his cock, he begins begging for release but I know he isn't quite there yet, so I continue teasing. I reach over for the lube and begin preparing him and when I know he is ready I take him into my mouth. A couple of hard sucks and he is a goner. I bring his legs up so I can enter him slowly, and start with just gently thrusts. I keep up the steady pace till the sweat is dripping off my body. Tom is hard again and begging for more but I just keep up the slow thrusts.

"Please Chakotay, give me it harder, make me yours."

I push in hard making him moan.

"You are mine, Golden boy. Mine and no-one else's, don't you forget that."

I pull out and turn him over. He wants it hard, he is going to get it. I begin pounding into him, stroking him to the same rhythm. When we collapse exhausted he gives a small shudder.

"Chakotay I have never been made love to like that before. It was mind-blowing, you're mind blowing." He kisses me hard and clings to me. We still have along way to go but maybe we can make it. I hope so because I love him.

TBC

Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.

Spoiler for The Equinox. Characteristics of one of the characters and part of the storyline have been altered.

As I lie in Chakotay's arms, I feel a sense of joy and pleasure fill me. He called me his golden boy. That's what I feel at this moment, golden. I want to feel worthy of his affection, because I know he wouldn't waste his time on just anybody. I feel full of confidence about the future, confident about us. All I want is for us to be together. Through my own stupidity I had nearly lost him. I pull him to me and hold him close. As my hands caress his body, I fall asleep thinking of ways I can make it up to him.

Next morning he's already up, dressed and gone when I come round. I feel disappointed and jump to the wrong conclusion, that he's playing my game but then as I head to the bridge and the red alert sounds I realise it's just business and I quickly make my way to the helm. The Captain soon fills me in. Voyager has received a distress call from another Fleet vessel and they are under a vicious attack. Harry ascertains that the call has come from a Science ship, The Equinox. We can only assume that, like us, they are in the Delta quadrant because of the Caretaker.

A large away team transports over and the damage we see is devastating. The crew are either dead or badly injured; no one is left unscathed. The dead bodies we find tell a story of desolation. We cannot begin to imagine what has caused this destruction. We rescue everybody and after we transport back to Voyager, Chakotay disappears to his office. He seems shaken, off kilter some how and that in its self unnerves me.

He comes back onto the bridge and the Captain asks if everything is all right and he just says a soft 'fine' and sits quietly for the rest of the shift. On the odd occasions I can get a glimpse of him, he looks dazed. I don't manage more than a couple of words with him over the next few days as we work in shifts on the Equinox.

The first order of business is the rites for the dead. The doctor quickly has the injured on their feet and all Voyager's senior staff gather with the remaining crew of the Equinox in the mess hall, for Captain Ransome to give his speech. Since our meeting with the Equinox Chakotay has been quiet, withdrawn and now as we stand listening to Ransome his face is an inscrutable mask. We have all been busy but I get the feeling that Chakotay is using this as an excuse not to see me and I am beginning to get worried. It makes it worse because I haven't had a chance to speak to him, to find out what is bothering him. At the end of the speech Harry, Chakotay, B'Elanna and myself stand talking over what has to be undertaken on the other ship. I watch as the First Officer of the Equinox moves away from Tuvok and Seven and makes his way over to us. I can see some of the Voyager crew eyeing him up. If I weren't with Chakotay I'd probably be doing it myself. He's my height, blonde hair, and blue eyes, darker than mine. He's got the most appealing smile and the longest legs. Yes, I'd definitely be going after him, if I was free and single.

"Chakotay it's good to see you again. I thought you would have at least come over to say hello." His smile, his voice, excludes everyone but Chakotay. The first stabs of jealousy erupt in my chest.

"Max. I came to see you in sickbay but you were out of it. It's good, unexpected but good to see you again." Chakotay is focused on the man in front of him.

I watch them both, Lieutenant Max Burke looking as pleased as punch and Chakotay looking uncomfortable.

Burke gives a big smile and then pulls Chakotay into his arms for a hug.

I watch as his hands roam over my lover's back, the jealousy coursing through my body.

Equinox's First Officer turns to us, still with his arm around Chakotay. "You know this guy is the craziest person I have ever met. We got into more scrapes and more laughs than anyone in our year at the Academy. I never thought I'd see you again Tayo, but the sight of you is like water to a thirsty man. How about getting together for dinner. We have so much to catch up on. So much."

"I'd like that Max, but not tonight, I have some things to take care of. How about tomorrow?" Chakotay moves away from Burke and towards me.

"I'd like that, but you can drop the Max, I'm still Goldie. To you anyway." He looks directly at Chakotay, some unknown message passing between them.

Chakotay turns to me. "Could I have a word, Mr Paris?"

So it's Mr Paris now. I want more that a word. Chakotay has never mentioned this Max guy, come to think of it, he has never mentioned anyone from his past. We move out of the range of the others.

"What's with the Tayo business and what did he mean water to a thirsty man." I shrug his hand off me.

"It’s just a nickname he uses for me and I suppose he means he is just glad to see a friendly face. Tom, can we meet for dinner, my place?"

I answer a terse yes, something about this situation, about Max is making me feel uncomfortable. Their conversation had seemed intimate, too intimate and the shared pet names didn’t make me feel any better.

Chakotay walks back to the bridge. I walk back to join the others. Burke is regaling the others with a tale of their breaking into a lockup and getting drunk. I cannot reconcile this image with the steadfast Chakotay I know. Nothing he is saying reminds me of the man that I call my lover.

Harry looks at me, knowing instinctively that I am finding this uncomfortable. He turns to Max, "it sounds like you were a pretty good friend of our First Officer?" I know Harry is fishing for information on my account.

"Oh we were more than good friends, a lot more." Max walks away to join his captain in some discussion.

I stand and watch him, feeling sick to my stomach. I need to talk to Chakotay, clear things up, find some answers. But what with one thing and another I am unable to see him until it is time to go to his quarters for dinner. I dress as appealingly as I can, not too suggestive but enough to show him. Show him what, I don't know? But I want him to see me in the most attractive light possible. My mind is in a whirl. To my knowledge I am Chakotay's only man and now this Max had come on board and thrown me off track.

The doors open as soon as I get there and I sit down, unsettled, grumpy. I watch Chakotay, I am not the only one to be unnerved.

"Are we still together?" I have to ask, I have to know.

He turns quickly and looks at me with haunted eyes. He doesn't say anything just looks at me. The longer the silence the more scared I get. I can feel the first tendrils of fear, the fear of losing the best thing in my life, begin to take hold.

"Yes we're still together." He sits down next to me. "It's just seeing Goldie as unnerved me a little. I never thought I would see him again. You just don't expect to come face to face with your past in the Delta quadrant."

"Close friend, Uh?" I could see the tension in him.

"Yeah you could say that."

I swallowed, I didn't want to ask the next question but for my own peace of mind I needed to. "How close, exactly?"

Chakotay turned away and I knew the answer before he said it, then he turned back around and took hold of my hands.

"We were lovers."

He had said it, I didn't want to hear it but he had said it. I flung his hand off me and stood up.

"You said you were straight, that you'd never been with a man. You lied to me. You made me feel special and all along I was just one of many." I was marching up and down like a man possessed. Everything we had was a lie. He called me his golden boy but before me he had Goldie, a truly golden boy. Max had everything going for him, looks, winning personality. If it came down to him and me, he would win every time. Then the thought hit me, what if Max wanted to join Voyager, to be with Chakotay. I wouldn’t stand a chance. How could I stand up to any comparison to this man when all I had done was mess Chakotay about.

"Tom I never said I was straight or that I had never been with a man. You just assumed that, I never lied to you. We never discussed it and you are not one of many and you are special."

"No I suppose you didn't lie to me, just let me believe I was the first." I gloried in the fact that I was his one and only man. It made me feel unique.

"Were you with him a long time?" It isn't logical but I want to hit him for his deception. I want to hit him for the jealousy building up in me.

"Two years."

Two fucking years. We've been together a matter of weeks. How am I going to compete with that?

"Did you love him?"

"Yes. In the end he hurt be badly. That's why I didn’t bother with men, that's why you thought I was straight."

"Do you still love him?" I may as well give him a knife to inflict the pain that I know is coming.

"Tom, it’s not quite as simple as that."

"As I see it Chakotay, it's very simple, do you still love him or not?"

"The truth is, I just don't know. He's stirred up emotions I thought were long gone."

I look at him for a moment, not sure what to do then the Paris survival instinct kicks in.

"Well let me know when you've decided. I may be available or maybe not."

"Tom, please just give me time to sort my thoughts out."

I give him one last look and then I just walk out unable to trust myself to say the right thing. I make my way to the mess hall hoping to talk it out with Harry. I know it isn't logical, I've had plenty of lovers so why I should be getting riled about Chakotay's past doesn’t make sense. But it's not the fact of past loves but that he never mentioned someone who was obviously so important to him. Harry would straighten my thoughts out for me. He is always good at putting the right perspective on things but when I get there he is talking with Burke. The man seems to be everywhere. I am just going to avoid them when Harry calls me over. I listen to their aimless chitchat, my mind elsewhere when Max asks me how long I have been in a relationship with Chakotay. Seems word has got to him pretty quick. Is he just interested or is he putting out feelers?

"A while." I have no intentions of giving anything away.

"Harry was telling me they thought Tayo was straight. That it came as a surprise when you two got it together. I hurt him badly when we split up. I bet anything he hadn't been with another man between me and you. He was the same when he broke up with Ivan, only went out with women until me.

I don't know what his game is, but I need to get away. First Max, now Ivan. How many more little secrets as my lover got hidden. I run back to Chakotay's, I need to know who the fuck Ivan was. This is turning out to be one hell of a lousy day. The man I thought I knew and was falling in love with, had a secret past, one I knew nothing about.

I dash back in, breathless from the run from the mess hall. Chakotay looks up startled.

"Whose Ivan?"

He looks shocked. Turning away and walking towards the window he seems to be playing for time.

" Tom I don’t want to talk about it, it's in the past."

"Well I do want to talk about it. At the risk of repeating myself, did you love him too?"

"Who, Ivan?"

"Yes, of course Ivan."

"Yes, I was in love with him."

"Tell me who he was or is?"

Chakotay began speaking, reluctantly. "He was a married lover. He was the first person I slept with and he stopped seeing me because he said his wife had found out but really it was because he had his eye on another cadet. I swore I wouldn't get hurt again but I did with Max.

I look at him, "I thought I knew you, but I don't know you at all. I don’t know anything about you."

I turn and leave, again. He'd been in love with two men and he'd never mentioned it, never mentioned he'd been in love at all.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. One day you think you know someone and next they seem like a complete stranger to you and everything you've known with them appears to be a falsehood.

All that night and the next day I sit in my room, thinking things through. Luckily I am off duty, I cannot face him, not till I've got it straight in my head. Harry calls a couple of times but I won't open the door. I don't need him to see my tear stained face. Chakotay comms me half a dozen times, I just ignore him. If it is an emergency they will come for me.

It had felt so good to think I was the only man in Chakotay's life and now to find I am in a crowd and know I am the least important person in that crowd. One thing he has never said is he loves me. If I dig any deeper will I find a few more men to join the team. He could have slept with half the men in Star Fleet and I wouldn’t know until they turned up. He hadn't trusted me enough to tell me about these people who had been so important to him and that's what hurts the most. All we have is sex, I realise now we haven't shared anything deeper. All I have been is a convenient fuck.

By the time shift comes round I've come to a decision. If Chakotay wants Max then I will step back. As he has said, he had loved Max, maybe still does. He doesn't love me. In the scheme of things I am nothing.

I arrive onto the bridge and all hell has just broken loose. While I have been sulking like a spoilt brat in my quarters, the rest of the bridge crew have found out that the The Equinox has been conducting experiments on aliens and using them to power their ship. Now they have disabled Voyager and have just gone to warp. But that's not the only problem, Chakotay's gone with them. We do not know if he has gone willingly or if he's been coerced. Instead of skulking in my quarters I should have been fighting for Chakotay's affection. Now I have lost him, probably for good.

There is some disagreement on the bridge, Tuvok and the Captain cannot agree on the action to be taken. Tuvok wants to find ways to either fight or communicate with the aliens. The Captain wants to go after the Equinox. I'm with her on this one.

I have to keep busy. I can’t let my mind wander to what may be happening on the other ship. I don't want to think about what Chakotay could be doing. The Equinox takes some finding, but eventually we catch up with them hiding on a planet. The scanners pick up some of the crew wandering about the surface and transporters manage to bring them aboard.

Captain Janeway seems to have lost all reason. Her only aim seems to be to make Ransome pay for going against regulations. I know she's lost it when she locks one of the Equinox crew up and lets in one of the aliens to attack him. Just in time I drag the man out. I manage to get a word with him before he is put in the brig.

"How's Chakotay?"

"I'd forget about your First Officer. He's with Burke now. He won’t be coming back."

When we engage the Equinox they get some good shots in. For a brief moment I consider that Chakotay has given them inside information. But I dismiss this. However much he is in love, and that thought hurts more than I care to admit, he wouldn’t betray Voyager. We later find out their holodoc was transferred over to us and was sending them information.

Amidst all the exchange fire the Captain gets a message from Ransome. Burke has taken over the ship but it is in a bad shape. The only way out of it is to destroy the The Equinox and to that end he requests that everybody be transported across.

"Transporter Room One, is everyone across?"

"We've got everyone except Captain Ransome, Lieutenant Burke and Commander Chakotay. We're having trouble locating the Commander."

"Open communications Harry."

"I've got Captain Ransome for you Captain."

"Captain we can't get a lock on you, your First Officer or Commander Chakotay. Can you help us? We need to get everyone across, your ship is not going to last much longer."

"Captain I've set the self destruct. You've got 90 seconds to find your First Officer. Please take care of my crew. Despite everything, they are a fine set of people."

"Get a lock on Chakotay now." The Captain shouts.

I watch in morbid fascination as the Equinox self-destructs and then the reality hits me. Chakotay is dead.

I come round in sick bay. Confused why I am here but as I try to rise the memory hits me.

"He's alive Tom, we got him just in time."

That's when I let it all out. The tears seem endless and by the time I am finished the Captain needs a change of uniform.

"Where is he? I need to see him."

"He's resting. He'll be off duty for a couple of days. He's requested no visitors."

"I don’t think he means me Captain." I begin to get off the bed, ready to go and try to mend bridges.

"He said especially you." I can tell with the Captain's face that he means it.

I comm him, knock on his door. Everything I do is just ignored. Then on the third day he answers my call.

"You'd best come to my quarters."

That is all he says. I make my way there not knowing what to expect but just knowing I will be glad to see him.

I wait impatiently as he lets me in. I want to rush into his arms but I am not sure how he will react. I have realised this, I can put his past behind me. In my shock I had acted foolishly. It doesn't matter who he has loved I still want him.

I look around. There's a box on the table, with my things in, just like before.

"You're finishing it?" I want to be wrong.

"Yes."

That is all he says, no explanation. No emotion in his voice.

"Chakotay," before I manage to say anything else, he stops me.

"Tom, it's over. Please go."

I stare at him, willing him to say he's only joking, that everything is all right. But he turns away from me and I know everything is far from all right.

I grab my things and march out. I had managed before him, I'll manage after him.

Three months on and we have hardly spoken a word. He directs me on the bridge, in the minimum fashion possible. There is no hand on my shoulder, no words of praise. His voice is professional, with no trace of friendliness. I would even welcome the reprimands but I don’t even get them from him any more. If there is anything to say regarding ship's business then Tuvok deals with me.

Getting over him is harder than I thought. I watch him in the mess hall, sometimes on the bridge and occasionally in Sandrine's and wonder how we ended up like this. I'm still not over him even though since he finished it I've fucked half of Gamma shift. These encounters are enjoyable but meaningless. The experience is nothing like making love to Chakotay. But then again there is nobody like Chakotay.

TBC

Series: Pursuing Chakotay
Title: Why? 4/7
Author: Darksusie - March 04

Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.


Three months since the Equinox fiasco, three months since I told Tom I didn’t want him. Three months of watching him fuck one crew member after another. He's back to how he was before we got together. It is obvious I meant nothing to him. I'm falling apart and he's just living it up.

I still wake up hard for him. I am taking more showers now than when we first broke up. It hasn't got any easier but then again I hadn't expected it to.

I made it plain to the Captain that I had gone over to the Equinox unwillingly and I had done everything in my power to disable the ship. We had stayed up half the night talking things over. I told her that Tom and me were finished. She tried to talk me out of it, said to give it some time, that things would settle down. I didn’t need things to settle down. I knew there was no future in the relationship. Better to cut my loses now before it was too late.

I made sure that we were never alone and the captain did not send us on any away missions together. I didn’t want to risk getting in a conversation with Tom, I wanted to avoid at all costs going over old ground. A heart to heart was not on the agenda.

One lunchtime Ayala stops me, asks me to join him for lunch. We are good friends but since he has taken up with Geron he usually spends his lunch times back in his quarters showing the young Bajoran what love is really about. If he wants to join me for lunch that means that he wants to talk and it could only be about Geron or Tom. I sit down hoping he wants some advice on his own love life. I do not want to talk about Paris. Especially now.

The night before I had gone into storage, looking for some spare components. I was at the back when I heard muffled sounds. Silently I made my way forward. I should just have turned and left but I couldn't. Tom was leant against a crate, his trousers pooled at his feet. His face was flushed with arousal and the moans coming from him told me he was near climaxing. Hammering into him was Ken Dalby. Tom's face was filled with ecstasy. I struggled to keep down the feeling of nausea.

His words rang out through the still air.

"Fuck me harder Ken. I want you in me so much. Harder Ken please, make me come." I watched as Ken reached around and began stroking Tom, ravishing every inch of his neck. I heard the familiar sound of Tom climaxing and then I heard the words I should have said three months ago.

"I love you Tom Paris, I love you so much."

I didn’t stay around to hear Tom's reply. I made my way back to my quarters and the tears I had held back for so long took over. All the heartbreak of Ivan and Max came back, all the new heartbreak over Tom overwhelmed me. Eventually I pulled myself together. I didn’t resent Tom his happiness. I had rejected him and he needed to move on. I couldn't expect anything else, but it still hurt watching him beg another man to fuck him.

I brought myself back to the present. If I didn't blame him and I didn’t, then why did I find it so hard to talk to him, to act at least civil? I should be man enough to get over it and let things get back to normal.

Ayala smiles as he sits down, asking me how I am doing. That's a bad sign, when a subordinate asks about your well-being.

"Ok. Greg what's on your mind? I know you're fond of me but I am sure I must be keeping you from doing the Dorvan Tango with Geron. So tell me why you are spending your lunch with an old man instead of a tantalising young ensign."

"Old man, not you Chakotay." He looks at me warily. Greg can still remember my legendary temper and is still cautious of it.

"I need to ask you something. I want the truth and I'd prefer it if you didn't lose your temper and hit me. OK." He softens what he has said with a grin.

I smile back. I hadn't hit anyone in a long time.

"I can't promise anything Greg, but go ahead and ask."

"Did you go over to the Equinox of your own volition?"

Why Greg was asking this question now, puzzled me.

"No. I was forced to transport across by Max. You know that, you know I would never leave the Voyager crew willingly. Why are asking this, now?"

"Tom Paris told Geron that you were in love with Max, that you followed him to the Equinox to be with him and that you were willing to abandon your friends."

I jump to my feet, the chair falling over. "He said what. You should know me better than that. I'll kill him when I get my hands on him."

I don't give Greg a chance to say anything else but make my way to Paris' quarters.

He opens the door and I push by him.

"Why?" He looks mystified at my question.

"What do you want Commander?" He turns away, I notice he doesn't look me in the eye.

"Why after all this time are you telling lies about me. Why are you telling people I willing went to the Equinox?"

It takes all my will power not to knock the sneer off his face.

"Didn’t you?"

"You know I didn't. You were are at the briefing, you know I was forced across." I was finding it hard to put a lid on my temper. If the crew thought I had deliberately abandoned them I would lose all respect. The thought that Tom was doing this to destroy my standing on the ship crossed my mind.

"That's what you say. That's not what Noah Lessing told me. As I see it you were back with your lover a couple of days and you were prepared to stand back while we were destroyed. Obviously Voyager and it's crew didn't mean much to you."

I hadn’t planned on hitting him but I did. A cross to his jaw which fells him, then I am astride him pinning him to the floor.

"You listen to me and listen good. I was not with Max, and I did not abandon Voyager. I don’t know what your game is Paris but I thought you were above lying to blacken my name."

"So what did you and Goldie get up to? According to the transporter logs you were in his quarters. What were you doing Commander reminiscing over old times?"

I then realise I am sat astride him, groin to groin, my hands clasping his, my lips near his neck. I quickly let go and jump up.

Tom stays on the floor, his breathing erratic. His eyes lock with mine and for a second I think I see need.

I have to get away from him and I quickly leave his quarters. I set off to have a word with Noah Lessing. All he will say is that he told Paris that he had seen me in Max's quarters and that we had seemed very close. It seems as thought Tom has put two and two together and got a completely different story because one thing was evident, Max and I were not close, not on Voyager and certainly not on the Equinox.

I had allowed myself to slip. I should never have gone to see Paris. Our little bit of rough and tumble had aroused me. As I had marched to Lessing's quarters it had subsided but now in my room the memory of his body under me hardens me again. I try to distract myself with a report but the image of me leant over him comes unbidden. I take the image further and imagine me kissing him, snaking my tongue between his lips. If I concentrate I can hear his moan of pleasure. I put down the report and slowly rub my arousal. The moan of pleasure I hear now is my own. My head falls back as I feel the sensations building. I picture Tom, knelt at my feet, his face dirty from the grease of his automobile, his lips caressing me. The door chime cuts into my thoughts. The chime becomes more insistent as I try to collect myself. I open the door and Paris rushes in.

"My turn to ask why?"

I turn away from him. "What do you mean why?"

"Why did you end it? We were good together, so unless you were still in love with Max, why did you end it? Tell me Chakotay."

I still had my back to him, still unable to face him.

"I was not in love with Max. I did not go over to the Equinox to be with Max. I did not leave Voyager willingly. I have answered your question so could you leave?"

He moves in front of me, looking me straight in the eye.

"Are you alright? You look flushed and you're perspiring. Shall I call the doctor?"

"Paris, I've told you what you want to know, just go. Please."

"No, no Chakotay. I'm not going anywhere till you answer my question. Why did you finish it?"

All the time I had known Tom Paris he had pushed me. The first time we met he had goaded me to take him as my pilot. In the first year of Voyager he had tried every bit of patience I had. When he decided he wanted me he didn’t take no for an answer and then he pushed me to the limit with his erratic behaviour, his flirting. Maybe it was time to do a little pushing back.

"I'll answer your question in a minute. After I've asked one of my own." I turn and get hold of his arm. He moves back and I move with him, till he is against the wall. I put both hands at either side of his head, mirroring the seductive pose he had used with Geron, all those months ago. Our bodies are touching, for only the second time in months. Though I am playing a game with Tom my body still reacts to the closeness.

I rake my eyes over his body and I notice he is getting nervous.

"Are you still with Dalby, is he still fucking you hard?" I raise my eyebrows suggestively.

I watch as he swallows, licking his lips as they suddenly go dry.

"I'm a free agent, remember. You don't want me." He begins to move away but I push him back into the wall, pinning his legs with my own. He will be able to feel my erection and I know this will unsettle him even more.

"I hear Ken's in love with you."

"What game are you playing Chakotay. You don’t want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me. Is that it?"

"No Tom that's not it at all. Is he in love with you?"

"He says so."

I move closer to Tom, we are both aroused. I lean forward and kiss his neck. He moans and throws his head back to allow me more access. I put my tongue out and trace his lips and then I kiss him with a passion I want to deny. He responds beautifully. I can tell he could be mine for the taking.

I break away from the kiss and began sucking his neck again. "Are you in love with him?"

He moans and manages a breathless "No."

"Can I fuck you?" I ask but already know the answer.

"Please Chakotay, make love to me." His hands are caressing my ass pulling me closer.

It takes some willpower but I break away. His face is flushed, his lips swollen, his hair tussled and at this moment I want him but know I can’t have him. He looks bewildered.

"There's your answer." I move away.

"What the fuck! What answer?"

"That's why I finished it. You're incapable of being faithful. In the end you would have broken my heart like the other two, like you will do with Dalby. Love means nothing to you. Ken is in love with you but you think nothing of letting me fuck you."

"You bastard. It was different with you. You know that." He flies at me but a quickly overpower him and throw him to the couch.

"Listen to me, please Tom?" He calms down a little though I can see he is still agitated. "I'll be straight with you. I have only been in love three times in my life and twice I have been hurt so bad it has taken years to get over. When Goldie came aboard it unsettled me. I thought I still had feelings for him but he had changed, I had changed. When he forced me to go to The Equinox I realised how my feelings for you had grown. How much you had wrapped yourself around my heart and I knew that my feelings for you made me vulnerable. Too vulnerable. I had opened myself up to the same hurt that Ivan and Max had given me. I couldn't go through that again. That's why I finished it. Your actions here tonight confirm I did the right thing."

He was angry, I could see he was trying his best to contain it. "You are telling me you ended our relationship because you fell in love with me. I have suffered 3 months of hell because you decided you couldn’t handle your feelings for me. Well fuck you Mr High and Mighty. You weren’t the only one in love."

He marches out. So much for me running the show. Is he telling the truth when he says he had been in love with me and had I thrown a good thing away because I had been too cowardly to take a risk?

I ask the Captain if I can take a few days off, I need to get my mind straight on things. I meditate, meet with my spirit guide, contemplate my situation and then I decide to speak to Tom.

The computer says he is in the mess hall and I hesitate, but I know if I don't do this now I just won't do it at all. I march in, see him with Ken Dalby and the uncertainty creeps back again. Then he looks up, catches my eye and holds my gaze. I can't read what he is thinking, since we split up he has become guarded with me. The food looks tempting so I pretend to take an interest in what is for lunch. Turning, I see that Ken has left for duty and Tom is on his own.

"May I join you?" I ask. He can't disguise his confused look. "Just for a moment."

"Feel free." He affects a casual air but I know he is curious why I am here.

"Tom, I need to speak with you. Would you drop by my quarters tonight, maybe for something to eat?

He doesn't say anything.

"If you feel uncomfortable with that we could meet in my office." I was beginning to think this was a bad idea. Sometimes my spirit guide did this, gave my guidance, which turned out to be a bad lesson, just to provoke me into thinking.

"No, I'll come to your quarters, about 2000 hours, I'll bring the wine, you provide the food." He gets up and leaves. Doesn't look around, doesn't ask why.

It takes another long meditation session before I can feel ready to face Tom. By the time he rings the chime, I have centred myself enough to know what I have to say. The atmosphere is strained at first, but I suggest we eat first and then talk.

He tells me about what has been happening on the bridge while I have been off duty and we lapse into civil, if mundane talk.

After the meal he sits on the couch while I pour the drinks. I use this time to think how I am going to open the conversation, but he doesn't give me the chance.

"OK Chakotay, why have you asked me here?"

"I want to apologise to you." I can see with the expression on his face that this is the last think he is expecting.

"You want to apologise to me. What for?" The Paris smirk is nowhere to be seen, which I am glad for. At least he is taking this conversation seriously.

"Goldie, the way I finished it, that I didn't explain things to you. Everything really. I know we can't go back but I would like us to be friends. Before we got involved, we had a good friendship going. Couldn't we go back to that?"

I watch as he thinks this over.

"I'd like us to be friends but first tell me why we went wrong. I thought we were good together, after we sorted out our problems. Tell me why, then maybe, just maybe we can be friends."

I sit down not knowing where to start. I do know where to start but it will sound like I am blaming him.

"You dragged me reluctantly into a relationship and then scared the shit out of me by fooling around." He was going to interrupt but I stopped him.

"Let me finish and then you can say what you need to." I get back up and began pacing. "I don't blame you, Tom. It's your nature and maybe if Goldie hadn’t come aboard we could have worked it through. I can’t tell you how much I was in love with Max. We had planned on being together forever, when he left the academy I was devastated. We wrote for a while and then I heard he had taken up with a local girl and the letters stopped. I had hoped we would get back together but it never happened. When he came on Voyager, he told me he still loved me and I fell for it. The feelings came back. I'm sorry. I slept with him, but he was only trying to get information about Voyager. He didn't want me. I knew I had made a mistake straight away. I wanted you. It had taken me years to let down my barriers but I knew you would break my heart and I just didn’t want that to happen again. I needed to get out before I was too far in. I'm really sorry I just couldn’t take a chance on you and now you've settled down with Ken I think we should try to get our friendship back. I miss being able to talk, like we used to."

No emotion had passed over his face while I had been talking and I sat down waiting for him to comment.

"You slept with him, while we were together! And then you accuse me of being the unfaithful type. I'll tell you this for nothing, I never slept with anyone while we were a couple. You were prepared to throw away everything we had because an old boyfriend dropped by. I don’t think we can be friends because every time we talk I'll just see you fucking Max."

He must have seen something in my face.

"Or him fucking you. You let him take you didn’t you. You never let me but you let a man you hadn't seen in years have what you wouldn't let me. Do you know how much I wanted to make love to you? Every time you refused you hurt me and I wanted you so much. You talk about your feelings, your hurt, what about mine. What do you think I was doing all that time we were together, just fucking. I can do that with anyone. We were making love. I had…" He stopped, struggling with his emotions. "I had feelings for you and you just threw me aside for someone who no longer gave a fuck about you."

"I said I had invited you here to apologise and that's what I am doing. What I did with Goldie was wrong and I certainly didn't get anything out of it. I am saying sorry for how things turned out, I am sorry for any hurt I caused you. Please Tom can we try to be friends." I hold my hand out and he takes it, avoiding my gaze.

"I can try. I'd like to try." He sets off for the door.

"Thanks for the meal, maybe we could get together for a game of pool tomorrow."

Before I realise what I am saying I blurt out, "It's a date."

He turns and gives me a look of regret. "No, it's definitely not that."

TBC

Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.


I walk to meet Ken. I am happy that at last Chakotay and I have been able to talk things out, put things behind us. Less happy that Chakotay has let Max make love to him. I had asked him time and time again to let me but he had always refused. That he had trusted Max and not me, hurt. But for us to have any friendship I would have to put that behind me.

Ken didn't ask me what had gone on, he knew better. He was a good man, a bit on the serious side but he was clever enough to give me some space. So far I hadn't cheated on him, kissed and flirted with a few but nothing serious. He would understand about me rebuilding a friendship with Chakotay but I thought he would be a little jealous so I intended to invite Ken along for the pool game tomorrow. It would take time and effort to build bridges, I didn't want to lose Ken in the process. I wasn't in love with him but I was fond of him and he was good for me. After Chakotay I had tired quickly of sleeping around. Our relationship had made me see that I could get something out of a serious relationship. Being with Ken wasn't the same as with Chakotay, it wasn't as passionate, as fulfilling. But it was comforting, supportive and a lot less volatile. We didn’t argue as much so we didn’t have the spectacular making up sessions but I could come back to him and he would hold me and he wouldn’t question what I had been doing. Another bonus with Ken was that he at least would let me make love to him.

I explain to him that the Commander and I were trying to get back on track and become friends again but I don't want to exclude Ken. As usual he agrees to whatever I say and in the end it is an enjoyable night. Ken suggests that we team up and play against Chakotay and Greg. It is a tough match, very close but Ken and I manage to win in the end. I notice Ken occasionally putting a possessive hand on my shoulder and I sometimes glimpse Chakotay taking notice. After a last drink Chakotay makes to leave.

"Same time next week?" I ask because I know he won't. It was good spending time with him again and I want to keep up the momentum. He nods and leaves.

I am going to be especially good to Ken when we get back to his room. I appreciate he is being supportive of Chakotay. Ken has a fetish about spanking, which we don't indulge in often but I am going to allow him that pleasure as a thank you. As he makes his way into the bedroom I sit on the couch. I see him hesitate as I take out my flaccid cock. I begin stroking it to hardness. I can see he is unsure of where this is going.

"Come over here Dalby and suck me."

He hesitates before walking over and falling to his knees. One thing about Ken is he is a master of the blow job. I knew Chakotay had only done it under sufferance but with Ken I could enjoy every minute. As he deep throats me I grab his hair. I know I am causing him pain but I also know he is enjoying it. When I let go of him, he looks at me with expectant eyes.

"Strip off Dalby and bend over the table." I see him give an involuntary shudder.

"When I told you to suck me, I saw you hesitate. That's just not good enough."

I slap his ass hard on both cheeks. I only ever use my hand. When Ken had first asked me to do this I had been very unsure. I wasn't into inflicting pain so I had insisted we didn’t use any instruments. I soon realised we didn't need anything but my hand as Ken responded so well to even the smallest amount of pain.

"I'm sorry Tom." I could tell by his laboured breathing he was very aroused.

"It's Lieutenant Paris to you, Dalby." For some reason he loved me to play the heavy. I spank him a little harder this time.

He moans loudly. "Yes sir, Lieutenant Paris."

I have nothing to be mad at him for so I am finding it difficult to put any energy into the spanking.

"Have you been a bad boy today Dalby. Is there any misdemeanour I need to punish you for?" One of the reasons why we don't do this often is because I am no good at this kind of role playing. A straight fuck is all I need.

"I've been having sexual thoughts about someone else."

I slap him again and I can see he wants it harder. This last bit of information has interested me so I think I will follow this line.

"So you little slut, tell me who's been getting you hot, hard and bothered."

"The Commander."

I whack him hard, causing a yelp. I don't have to pretend now. Ken has got his reaction, I am angry and hard.

"And what is the Commander doing to you."

I reach over to the drawer and began coating my cock with the lube. I quickly push a finger into Ken, causing him to yelp again.

"I asked you a question Dalby." I slap him hard twice against both cheeks.

"Take me Tom, please."

"Oh I'm going to take you, don't you worry. Tell me what you imagined you and the Commander were up to." I've worked three fingers into Ken and he can’t keep his mind on the conversation because of the sensations building up in him.

I withdraw my fingers, causing him to whimper. This time I hit him really hard.

"Answer me now, Dalby."

"I imagine I was fucking him over his office desk, fucking him hard. He was begging me for more."

This is all I need. I plunge into him and thrust hard, over and over. I reach around but it doesn't need much, Ken is so turned on. He comes with a ragged cry, I quickly follow and then we both sink to the floor. He holds me while I stop shaking, the orgasm is that intense. I cannot help thinking he mentioned Chakotay deliberately to get a reaction. Maybe Ken is cleverer than I thought.

Things seem to be a little easier on the bridge. The pool match the previous night cleared the air and I am sure everyone has noticed.

I don't realise I that I am looking forward to the next pool night until I am getting dressed. It isn't until I look in the mirror that I realise I have put on Chakotay's favourite shirt. I quickly take it back off, disgusted with myself that I still want him to find me attractive. I put on something plain, unappealing. This time they win us hands down and both Greg and Chakotay gloat over it. My mind is elsewhere. I cannot stop going over my lovemaking session with Ken and how jealous and angry I had got over him mentioning Chakotay.

It is a couple of weeks later when Ken is on a different shift that Chakotay and I arrange to meet for a meal. For some reason I don't tell Ken and this time I do put on the shirt, my perverse nature I suppose. I am disappointed when I get there and B'Elanna is already sipping a drink. Is he scared to be alone with me? Did he still have feelings? Stupid things to even consider. I should know by now that it's firmly in the past. We chat, eat the meal, and have a few drinks. We are just settling down to a game of cards when the door chime goes. Chakotay calls enter and Ken comes in.

"I got off duty earlier than I thought and the computer said you were here. I just wondered if you wanted to go for a drink in Sandrine's?" He seems embarrassed, awkward.

"I may join you later but at the moment I'm having a drink with friends."

He turns to go but Chakotay stands up.

"You can join us if you like Ken, if you don’t mind losing rations."

I am mad, mad at Chakotay for inviting the other people and mad at Ken for checking up on me. I can't settle to the game and soon make my excuses. Ken gets up to join me.

"You don't have to finish on my account Ken." I see Chakotay give me a confused look.

"No, I want to have a word with you in private." Ken moves towards me and we say our goodnights.

When we get to my quarters Ken makes to come in.

"You can come in Ken but only to talk. You're not staying the night." He knows he's pissed me off and he looks dejected.

"What the hell do you think you were doing checking up on me?"

He looks at me crestfallen. "Tom, I just wondered what you were doing in the Commander's room. You never mentioned you were meeting up with him. I know you've been seeing more of each other, I was just concerned you were rekindling things."

"Ken, we are not getting back together but I don’t belong to you and I don’t appreciate you acting as if I do. Now if you don’t mind I’d like to get some sleep." I think I am more angry with myself for my reaction to B'Elanna's presence than with Ken but Ken's an easy target for my frustration and anger.

"Are you telling me to go?"

"Ken. I've had a good time and I really like your company but you are getting too serious and I'm not ready for that."

He falls to his knees and begs for another chance and foolishly I give in but I know we will both regret it.

A couple of days after that I bump into Geron. He can't help but flirt with me and I flirt straight back. A couple of kisses and 30 minutes later I am buried in his ass. Ken is on his way out. If he couldn’t get the message the other night he would get it soon enough when he hears the rumours about Geron and me.

I don't see the fist coming as I walk into the shuttle bay. I quickly turn around ready to fight and come face to face with Ayala. No way can I fight him, not unless he's restrained and I am equipped with a phaser.

He grabs me by the scruff of the neck, "you lay a finger on Geron again and I'll see you don’t fuck with anybody again. You get my drift, you low life bastard."

Somehow I gather myself, "as far as I know he's a free agent Ayala and he came to me willingly, so back off."

His face comes very near to me, "the kid's very vulnerable and he doesn't need a slut like you taking advantage of him." He grabs my balls and squeezes hard, bringing tears to my eyes. "I said, touch him again and you will regret it."

He turns to walk away but then changes his mind, swings around and hits me in the gut.

I sit down for a while to get my breath back and then I make my way to the Commander's office. There is just no way I am going to let that big thug threaten me. I cannot see that I have done anything wrong. Once upon a time I may have put up with this shit but not anymore.

He looks up as I enter. "What can I do for you, Tom?" He notices my dishevelled appearance and nods to the seat for me to sit down.

"Ayala's just hit me and threatened me, he can't go around taking matters into their own hands. I want you to have a word with him. He's sticking his nose in my business and it's nothing to do with him."

"Do you want to start from the beginning?"

"He's found out that I've slept with Geron and he's taken it on himself to warn me off. It's not on, you know I could just report him to Tuvok but I thought I would give you chance to sort it out." I was so busy wrapped up in getting justice that I didn't notice Chakotay's reaction.

"Why are you sleeping with Geron if you are seeing Ken?" Chakotay's face has become very serious.

"Ken's getting too serious. I tried to finish with him the other night but he wouldn't listen. I thought he would get the message if he heard about me and Geron." Now I had put it in words I could understand why people would get the wrong idea about me.

"So you used Geron for your own ends?"

"Well, you could put it like that but we've flirted with each other on and off for ages. He wanted it as much as me. I didn’t take advantage if that's what your thinking. It was just a bit of fun."

"You didn’t take advantage."

I cannot remember the last time I had seen him so mad. The first seeds of uncertainty began to grow in my head.

"Do you know the abuse Geron suffered at the hands of the Cardassians. He only knows how to show affection sexually. Greg has been working on Geron's self-esteem for months and you come along and just fuck him because you think it’s a good idea and all Greg's work is for nothing. Geron will be back to giving it away to anybody who shows him a kind word because that's all he knows."

I hadn’t realised, apart from watching him lean over the pool table and some casual flirting, I didn’t know much about his background.

"I didn’t know. Chakotay you've got to believe I wouldn’t have done something like that if I had known."

"I don’t know Tom. It seems you're just back to playing your old games again. Is there anybody you care about apart from yourself? Now if you don’t mind Greg's just made an appointment to see me, obviously about this situation and no doubt Dalby will be wanting to see me when he hears."

I stumble out, not only appalled that I have treated Geron so casually but also that my fledgling friendship with Chakotay is in ruins.

I need to sort things out, take on some responsibilities for my actions. My first port of call is to see Ken. He is in his quarters and his face lights up when I enter and then it becomes crestfallen
.
"I heard about you and Geron. If you promise not to do it again I can forgive you. I still want to be with you."

"Ken I'm not seeing Geron again but I think we need to call it a day. I've really enjoyed my time with you and I've become fond of you but I'm just not going to develop the same feeling for you that you have for me."

"I can live with that Tom, please I'll do anything to keep us together. I'll do anything you want."

"It's over Ken. If we carry on I'll only hurt you."

I walk out. There has only been Chakotay who could stand up to me, who could make me value a relationship. He wouldn't promise to do anything, he would show me the door and I would respect that.

I meet up with Harry for lunch and tell him what I have done. Harry isn't to pleased about my selfish behaviour but he does say I am doing the right thing facing up to my mistakes.

I make my way to Ayala's cabin, prepared to be hit again. When he lets me in Geron is there as well, his face tearful.

"I'm sorry, to both of you. I didn’t realise the situation. I didn’t think, nothing new there. Geron, if I've hurt you I am sorry and Greg please know I won’t do it again."

"You're not the only one to blame Tom. I'm just sorry I hurt Greg." Geron gives a sad smile but Ayala is quick to his side.

"I have spoken to the Commander and he's said you didn't know Geron's background. It doesn't excuse your shitty behaviour but I suppose that's just you being yourself. I appreciate you coming to see us Paris, but if you don’t mind we’ve things to talk over."

I nod and leave. My next stop is the Commander's office.

He looks up.

"What have you done now?"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. I've come to say sorry, that I let you down with my behaviour. I've seen Ken and apologised to Ayala and Geron and I just want to know are we still friends?"

"Let me think, how about dinner tonight, 19:30 and we’ll talk about it?"

"I'll be there." I feel better already

19:25, I am outside his door, I was eager and early and I so wanted this evening to go well. If he had invited a third person I could live with that as long as we could get back onto an even footing.

It is just us two and I know I am in trouble when the goosebumps start as soon as he pours the wine. By dessert I am up to the hardened nipple stage. We talk some more about Geron, about Goldie and then we move off the personal stuff and onto more general conversation. He bends over the table to move the plates and that is when I move into the third stage, the hardening of my cock. My whole body starts tingling, and my cock spends the rest of the night making me aware that it still exists. In the end it gets too much for me and I have to make my excuses and get out of his presence. As soon as I get into my quarters, I lean on the door and begin to stroke myself. My old routine is back, and if truth be known I have missed it. I know that next time I am on the bridge I will be semi aroused and I am looking forward to the time he puts his hand on my shoulder. As I think about my cock being hard while I sit at the helm, I picture Chakotay and come with cry.

I stop dating, screwing around, it distracts me from my imaginings of the Commander. On a good day I can get to climax over him three or four times. Once in the morning, as I wake up aroused for him, then if he touches me or speaks to me kindly while on duty I can come straight back to my cabin to jerk off and then the crowning glory, an evening spent in his company. I know I am getting the unhealthy obsession with him, the one that had started all this in the first place. But I am helpless to stop it. I don't want to stop it. I start the dance all over again, asking him to play pool, inviting him for dinner. This time I don't get drunk, don't kiss him and this time, like last time, Chakotay just wants friendship. But I can deal with it. I will have to deal with it because it is better than the alternative.

TBC

Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.

We set off on an away mission. Harry is doing scans of a nearby planet. Tom is testing out the shuttle, looking for anything that can be improved on and I am in the rear doing tests on some minerals we have picked up. If my suspicions are correct these can be converted to a source of energy. I feel the shuttle shudder and the instrument I hold in my hand falls to the floor and breaks. Making my way to the front, I am concerned at the amount of times that I have to hold onto something to steady myself.

"Report."

"The shuttle's been sucked into a gravity well. We're going down. I am doing my best to compensate but it's going to be a bumpy ride." Tom can hardly get the report out, his concentration all on trying to get a safe landing.

I strap myself in and wait for the worst. I can see it doesn't look good but if anyone can get us down it is Paris.

I come to, aware of great pain in my leg. I try to open my eyes but it is taking too much effort so I leave them closed. I can hear voices but can only make out sounds not individual words. Sometime later I come to again and realise the pain in my leg is now just a low throb. I open my eyes and look around. I am on my own. I can see the shuttle to my left, smoke coming out of the hull. I can tell even from this distance that we won't be leaving the planet in the shuttle anytime soon. I hear a rustle over in the bushes and Tom and Harry emerge with some wood for the fire.

"You feeling any better, Commander?" Tom kneels and begins to inspect my leg.

"A lot better, thanks. Can you give me an update on our situation?" I gingerly sit up.

The shuttle's a right off, we've got a plasma leak which is why we are out here. Harry managed to get the supplies out and we have enough for three days. The main worry is the temperature. Even with the fire it's going to be freezing by night fall. I don’t want you to get too excited but we are all going to have to sleep together to conserve body heat. You're laid on a sleeping bag and a thermal blanket. If we stay dressed and lay together we can cover ourselves with the remaining sleeping bags and the two thermal blankets. That may be enough for us to survive."

I nod my approval.

"Harry has made a stew from some of the rations and that should be ready. Whatever it tastes likes it will be warm. After we have eaten I suggest we build up the fire and then get settled under the blankets before the temperature plummets too much.

"What do you mean whatever it tastes like? I'm a good cook and if you don’t shut up it will be you cooking tomorrow." Harry teasingly hits Tom.

Actually the food is delicious and we are soon settled under the blankets. Harry is in the middle and I am glad of that. Tom and I are getting our friendship back but I cannot trust my body not to react if he is that close to me. We talk, any trivial rubbish really, what is our favourite meal, what is the nicest place we have visited. Slowly my eyes become tired and I close them only half listening to the conversation that is still going on.

Much later I awake with a start. I hear a moan. Thinking someone is in pain I turn to my side to see if the other two are all right. They are oblivious to me. Tom is kissing Harry, passionately. My eyes are locked on them with a perverse fascination. A lump forms in my throat as Tom begins kissing Harry's neck making the ensign moan even louder. My eyes are half shut, pretending to them that I am still asleep. I watch as Tom sucks on Harry's lower lip and then he breaks away.

"You are so hard Harry. You could fuck me but I think that would wake the Commander, what do you say to me moving south and sucking you off." Harry groans even louder.

"You like that, don’t you Harry. Coming in my mouth, letting me taste you. Be quiet and the old man won’t even know."

I shout no and then sit up, drenched in sweat. The other two shoot up.

"What's the matter Chakotay, Are you in pain?" Tom and Harry look concerned.

"No, no." I take deep breaths. "I think I was dreaming."

Neither look like they had been kissing, in fact Tom looks bewildered like he always does when he awakes suddenly. He reaches over and touches my forehead causing me to shudder.

"You don’t look too well, and you are shivering. Move over Harry let him get in the middle. His body is still recovering from the injury, he may need more body heat."

I start to protest but Harry quickly moves to the other side of me and Tom pulls up the blankets as we settle down again.

"I'm sorry I woke you both." I am still shivering but more from the images in my head than the cold.

"You want to talk about the dream? It may help you to settle back down." Tom looks at me with concern and for some unknown reason I feel like crying.

"No, it's practically gone now. I'll be all right. Goodnight again."

I turn my back on him and close my eyes and try to calm my thoughts. It shouldn't matter to me if Harry and Tom have been kissing, it is nothing to do with me, though the old man bit had hurt. They were both free agents.

I drift off again, the sound of the fire and Harry's soft snores, lulling me back into the woolly warmth of sleep. When I open my eyes again I notice the fire has died down but it doesn't seem as cold. Sometime during the night my arm has wormed its way under Tom's head and he now lies snuggled up to my chest. I smile to myself, it feels very comforting, so very right. I watch him as he sleeps. The worry lines are all smoothed away, his hair is messy and all the old feelings came rushing back. I know the sensible thing to do would be to ease my arm out and turn away from him. What I should be doing is putting a lid on these feelings. But I don't, I just watch him as he breathes gently. Then his eyes flutter open and he holds my gaze. I expect him to jump out of my arms but he just reaches up and strokes my face. I reach down and gently kiss him. It feels so good. He kisses me back pushing his tongue out to caress mine. My body responds like it used to.

I must have moaned, "Shh, you'll wake Harry." He leans over and whispers in my ear. "Let me touch you Chakotay, let me show you how much I still want you." His hand moves down my body and then he begins rubbing my cock and all I can think of is his touch. I try to stifle the moan but as I come it is so good that I scream out. The next thing I hear is voices.

"Chakotay, Commander, are you alright."

I look around, dazed, confused and very sticky.

"You sounded like you were moaning in pain, Commander. Tom, we need to get him back to Voyager." Harry all concerned is leaning over me, wiping my forehead.

I am embarrassed, ashamed that I am even thinking of Tom like that. I know he would be shocked, probably disgusted after the way I treated him.

"I'll be alright." I don't mean it to but I sound stern. "You two go and collect some more firewood, I've got some things to take care of." I have to get them away, get myself cleaned up, get rid of the evidence of my foolishness.

Tom begins to argue.

"That's an order Lieutenant." I see his face fall.

"Yes sir."

As soon as they leave I find my bag, in there is a change of uniform. Once I am in it I can be civil to them, once the evidence of my idiotic dream is taken care of.

I am sitting making breakfast when they return.

"I'm sorry, my nerves seem to be getting the better of me. It’s these stupid dreams."

They both nod but don't comment.

Through the day the temperature warms up considerably and we can get on with building some kind of shelter. The dread of night time stays with me all through the morning. I consider sedating myself. Tom had rescued the med kit but if we need it later and I have used it for my own selfish purposes, I will be filled with guilt.

After lunch, another good meal from Harry, I say I need to be on my own for a while. I see the worried glance they both exchange but what can I say to them, I'm fine boys, no need to worry I'm just horny for Tom.

I only walk a small distance away, near enough for them to call me but far enough to feel I am on my own. I sit and steady my mind. I know the dreams have significance and I just need to see what that is. My attraction to Tom has never gone away but I have been able to contain it, argue myself out of it. Now it is taking a sharper shape again, coming back into focus. If I tell him, I am risking everything, my heart, my trust, my life. Because I know if he hurts me I won't be able to get over it. It had taken me a long time with Ivan and even longer with Max but I know deep down that Tom is special, that I won't get over him. I have just convinced myself that pursuing Tom is foolish when I hear noises in the bushes. I turn and Tom is by my side. He sits down next to me.

"I'm sorry to intrude, I was just worried about you."

He says it with the softest voice and all my resolve begins to break down. He reaches out and squeezes my shoulder and I close my eyes, relishing the touch, teasing myself because I know I can't let it go any further. He doesn't let go. I open my eyes and we just hold the gaze.

"If there's something bothering you, we can talk. You know I care for you."

He continues to hold my gaze, his hand still touching me. I lift my hand and place it on his, as he continues stroking my shoulder. Something passes between us, an unconscious message and I lean forward.

"Commander, Tom, Voyager's arrived." Harry's excited voice breaks the spell.

I jump up, realising how close I have come to opening myself up again. Tom moves forward.

"We need to talk, about us."

"I think we've said all we need to say about us." I know I am hurting him, maybe the friendship thing isn't such a good idea, maybe if I push him away enough he'll see the sense.

I march away towards Harry. The dreams have unsettled me and I need to put as much space between us as possible. We clear up the campsite in silence, Harry quickly picking up on the atmosphere between Tom and me and deciding to stay quiet. As soon as we are back on Voyager I make my way towards sick bay and then to my quarters for 24 hours leave. That's where I intend to stay, in my quarters, away from everyone.

I awake from the dream. This time I hadn’t come, I was still hard, painfully hard. For Tom. I began stroking myself while I thought over the dream. I had walked into my bedroom and he had been laid there, naked on my bed, face down with his legs splayed. He asked me to fuck him and fuck him hard. I obliged but half way through he had turned his head and told me he loved me. That's what had woken me up. Now I thought over the feel of my body on his and stroked myself to completion. I didn't want to think about the declaration of love.

The rest of the day I either spent on the Holodeck taking my aggression out on some opponent in the ring or spent with my spirit guide who at the moment was being no guide at all. I settled down to sleep hoping all the exercise and the meditation had calmed my mind so I could get a restful sleep.

Again he was laid on my bed. He looked over his shoulder and asked me to take him hard. As I began to fuck him he began to goad me, telling me I wasn't the man Ayala was, that I couldn’t fuck like him, that I couldn't fill him like Greg, that I wasn't man enough for him. I began pounding in to him harder and then he began laughing at me, saying I couldn't fuck for shit. I became insane with jealousy, ramming into him, over and over and then as he screamed I came, plunging into him over and over again.

When I awake I am drenched in sweat, the emotions of the dream still with me. I feel rage and jealousy like I've never felt before and I knew how stupid it is. One thing I do know is that Paris and Ayala have never got it together. I get showered and dressed for my duty, delaying as long as I can. I am not looking forward to facing Paris on the bridge.

I am in command as the Captain is off duty for a few days. We have a quick briefing, I avoid eye contact, not just with Paris but with everyone. I sit in my chair, trying to look interested in some boring detail or other. Paris asks me one or two questions about the area and I answer curtly. When Greg makes a slight error at tactical I am on my feet giving him a dressing down before I realise what I am doing. All eyes turn to me as I berate my friend, including Tom's, which holds a questioning look. I sit back down until break and then call Greg to one side and apologise. He nods and offers his ear if I need to talk. Sometimes he knows me better than anyone.

At the end of shift Tom approaches me, asking me if I am alright. I answer yes, tell him I'll see him on shift tomorrow and get away from him as quick as I can. I spend some more time alone, some more time contemplating, not that it is doing me any good. Leaving it as late as possible to visit the holodeck, fighting the hardest opponent, I come back exhausted. I am trying to avoid a sedative, I need to be sharp on the bridge. After some hot milk and more meditation I settle down to sleep. I awake in the middle of the night, a noise or something bringing me up from sleep and I realise I have not dreamt of Paris. I close my eyes glad that I can settle down to some undisturbed sleep.

This time when the dream awakens me, I am screaming my release and sobbing at the same time. It had started the same, me walking into the bedroom, Tom lying naked. This time he sat up and crawled towards me, kissing me passionately, telling me how much he wanted me. I was soon aroused and then he knelt at my feet and began teasing me with his tongue. I felt like I was on fire. I was on the edge of coming when he stopped sucking me and began bringing me off with his hand. He leant over and whispered in my ear.

"I prefer to suck Harry, he tastes much nicer than you. I love taking him down my throat." I struggled to get up but he held me down, stroking me to bring me to climax.

"He's so much more of a man than you Commander, so much more." That's when I came sobbing and shouting.

I climb in the shower, cleaning myself but I cannot stop crying. It takes me an hour to get myself together, to find some balance to my emotions and I can only do that if I don't think about Paris.

Greg gives me a questioning look and I nod that I am fine. Tom does his best to ignore me, which I can't blame him after my treatment of him earlier. I go for lunch later than the others, hoping to find the mess hall quieter. After I have eaten I feel much better, things more in perspective. As I enter the bridge I see Kim and Paris chatting, laughing at something shared.

"Get to your posts, now. This isn’t Sandrine's. If you need to do your, never mind just get to your stations." I was going to say flirting, what the hell is wrong with me. The rest of the shift is done in silence, uncomfortable silence. I hang back at changeover, talking to the next shift and I don't see Tom waiting for me till it is too late and there is just us two in the lift.

"OK Commander, it's plain there's something bothering you and I think you need to talk about it. You look like shit."

"Leave me alone Paris." He looks hurt, confused.

"I thought we were friends, I thought we had put the past behind us and we had some kind of friendship between us. Must have got it wrong. Sorry I interfered."

I grab his arm to stop him leaving. "Tom, I'm sorry. I just need some time to sort things out."

"Well I hope you do it soon, because if you keep on biting people's heads of you are not going to be Mr Popular." The doors open and he storms out.

I have one more day in the Captain's chair and then I am going to see the doctor. I need something to get over these dreams, this bad temper.

The holodeck is booked, Paris and Dalby. It looks like that relationship is back on. I cannot risk dropping to sleep. I know now what I will dream of and I don't need another night of Paris telling me I am not man enough.

I sit up reading, listening to rousing music, anything to stop myself dropping to sleep. It must have been about 3 hours before I was due on the bridge when I wake up panting, sobbing. Again. This time the dream wasn't clear. I have to wait till I have calmed myself before the images came back. Goldie and Tom. Goldie slowly entering Tom. Tom moaning with pleasure. Both of them turning and laughing at me. Tom telling me that Goldie was twice the man I was. Goldie saying I wasn't man enough for him that was why he left me. This time I am not aroused, just hurt and I have a full day ahead staring at the cause of that hurt.

I notice Tom glancing at me in briefing but I ignore him, get the meeting over with as quick as possible. It is another quiet shift so I just stay at my seat, giving out a few orders. People must have picked up on the mood, as hardly a word is said. I don't give Tom a chance to have a word with me this time. Ten minutes before shift I hand over to Tuvok and make my way to sick bay. The doctor wants to know the ins and outs of why I want a sedative but one look and he hands it over.

I have been in my room ten minutes and the memories of the dreams come back to me. I search my drawers and find a bottle of whisky, the real stuff and begin pouring and pouring. I am not aware of the doors opening or of Paris, stood staring down at me. I only become aware when he takes the drink from my hand.

"What the hell are you doing? What's going on, you never drink."

"What do you care? Why do you give a shit?" I stumble as I reach for another drink and he reaches out to steady me. Just then the image of him with Harry Kim comes into my mind.

"Don’t touch me, don’t fucking dare touch me." I pull myself away from him and I know I am losing it but I can feel it all building up in me.

"I can see it clearly now. I was never enough for you, you always needed someone else on the side. I was never man enough, that's why you left, that's why you didn’t want me, that's why you're fucking Greg and Harry."

Everything is getting fuzzy around the edges, the man standing in front of me, the conversation, the memory of the dreams.

"What the fuck are you talking about? I've never been with Greg or Harry. Wait a minute, what's this hypospray?"

I hear him say oh shit and then call for transport.

I stretch out slowly, realising that my sleep for once has been dreamless. I open my eyes and then realise I am not in my room and then I remember it all. The dreams, my erratic behaviour, my drunken conversation with Tom. I turn and face the wall, groaning at my own stupidity. The man was just trying to be a friend and I harangued him for being concerned.

I feel someone lightly grip my shoulder and then quiet words whispered in my ear.

"Chakotay, you were more than man enough for me, you were always all the man I ever wanted."

TBC

Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.

I stare at the wall, Tom's words going round and round in my head. Then as a lump forms in my throat everything becomes clear to me. The dreams aren't telling me that I am not man enough for Tom sexually but that I am not man enough to face a relationship. I have thrown away a good thing because of my own insecurities. Maybe Tom would have hurt me, maybe not but I had closed myself off to the good as well as the bad. I was still facing the wall, inwardly groaning at my behaviour over the last few days when I again feel a hand on my shoulder.

"So Commander do you want to tell me what's been happening and why my First Officer is brought to sick bay, sedated and drunk?"

Her tone of voice lets me know she isn't at all pleased with my behaviour. I turn over and sit up.

"Do you mind if I get dressed and can we talk somewhere else, somewhere private."

She nods, looking at me concerned. "Tuvok's on the bridge. Come to my quarters and we'll talk."

I make my way to see Kathryn unsure what I am going to tell her. She makes me welcome, getting me tea as she settles down with her coffee.

I am defensive straight away. "I'm sorry if I have let you down but I was off duty. If Mr Paris hadn’t called I would have just slept it off and no-one would be the wiser."

"I know that Chakotay. I'm not here to reprimand you, only Tom, the doctor and I know about your condition and it will not go any further. But I am concerned about you. It has come to my attention that you were either very snappy or very quiet on the bridge. It is so unlike you. You know I'm a friend as well as the captain."

I tell her everything. About Ivan, Max, the dreams and my reaction to them, and my feelings that I have made a big mistake with Tom.

She listens, asking me to clarify some points and then asks me what I am going to do now.

"I'm going to explain to Tom and try to get back his friendship. As far as I know he is with Ken Dalby so a relationship is out of the question. We had started rebuilding our friendship before the away mission but I messed that up."

"Go do it now Chakotay. He deserves some explanation, some kind of apology. He only as your best interest at heart."

The computer informs me that Tom is in his quarters and I set off unsure of my welcome. As I step into his quarters I am that intent on what I am going to say that I don't at first see Dalby sat on the couch.

"Oh I'm sorry I don't want to interrupt anything. I’ll see you later." I turn to leave.

"No Commander I'm just going, Tom's all yours." Ken gives me a smile, a genuine one I think.

We both stand and watch Ken leave and then we both start speaking at once.

"Sit down Chakotay, you go first." He says it in a friendly voice, which relaxes me a little.

"I seem to be making a habit of this but I have come to apologise. I've been pushing you away and all you have been is a friend. I would hate to lose our friendship, especially through my own fault."

"I don't want to lose it either. Do you want to talk about what's been bothering you? I'm only concerned for you, you know that don’t you?"

I nod my head. "Maybe I'll talk about it some other time. I just want to apologise and say thanks for being a friend."

He moves toward me and grips my arm. "Anytime Chakotay."

I set off for the door, feeling a little lighter for this meeting.

"Chakotay, we are having a pool match in Sandrine's tonight if you want to join us."

"Maybe." I return to my quarters and have something to eat, feeling more like myself. I am not sure if I should go to the pool match but in the end I think it's better than being alone. I've been alone far too much lately. I feel like a teenager again as I sort through my wardrobe discounting half my clothes. If I go, and I still haven’t made my mind up, I want to look good.

I stand outside the holodeck strangely nervous. I keep telling myself that it's only a game of pool, it's only my friends. But it is more that that. What happens tonight could set the trend for the foreseeable future. When I enter I notice the room is crowded. The play offs haven’t started yet but there is a buzz in the air. I sit at the bar, trying my best not to be noticed. As usual there is a crowd around Tom's table and I notice Ken sat next to him, his arm resting on the back of Tom's chair, as though to say this man is mine. I sit watching the proceedings for a while, thinking I have made a mistake and at the first opportunity I will make my way back to my quarters.

Then everything becomes quiet, not in reality but in my mind. I realise that the dreams didn't just mean I wasn't man enough for a relationship but that it meant I wasn't man enough for Tom. When we had first got together I had been reserved but commanding. Everyone looked up to me, Tom looked up to me. I know quite a few of the crew had crushes on me but because of my reserved nature I had built up a reputation, I was an enigma to them. When I had taken charge of our relationship and made it plain I wouldn’t take any nonsense that was when he had responded well. Then I had let Max take charge, I had let the dreams take over, I had handed over my personal power. Now I would be my own person again. I wouldn’t step on Ken's toes but I was determined to pursue Tom, as a friend and if he came available, as a lover. But not from a position of weakness but this time one of strength.

I am pulled out of this revealing reverie by Nelix asking if anyone else wanted to be included in the tournament. I step forward and tell him to include me. Tom looks up and gives me a nod of greeting and so does everyone else at the table.

Tom plays B'Elanna first, amiably gloating over his victory, and then it is Greg's turn to play Tabor. We are soon down to the semi-finals. I am playing against Ken and Tom is playing against Ayala. We break for refreshments, all four semi-finalists sitting together for a quick drink.

Tom turns to all of us. "Why don't we have a side bet? The loser of the final prepares dinner for the winner. Food, wine, music, candles – all the works."

I look at the other two and they nod. I also nod in agreement but smile to myself because I think that Tom considers himself the winner already.

The first semi-final is me against Ken. Ken begins quite strongly, but he fluffs it and lets me in. I take no quarter because I am determined to be in the final, with Tom. Ken doesn’t get another chance, I down all the balls in one run. Like Max said, we had quite a lot of fun at the academy, it wasn't all studying.

Ken shakes my hand as he concedes defeat, tells me the better man won. Could be prophetic words if I get my way.

Ayala also gets off to a good start. For a while I can picture Greg, a candle lit dinner, soft music and me. Well he's a good friend, so it could be worse. But as soon as he makes a mistake Tom is in for the kill. He wins but it is a near thing. By now all the crowd in Sandrine's is taking an interest in the outcome of the game. I know that I am the underdog, everyone in the place thinks that Tom's the only contender, including me.

We have another break. This time there is just me and Tom sat at the table.

"So Chakotay, I'll tell you what I want now. I would like a pasta dish for starters, chicken pizza for main with a side helping of French fries, and for dessert you can surprise me. Music can be something mellow. I’ll bring the wine."

I lean forward getting into his space. "You are so sure of yourself Mr Paris. But I think that I will win, and it will be you slaving over a hot replicator for most of the day. I will want nothing but perfection."

I watch him swallow and lick his suddenly dry lips. I head towards the table. It’s a really tough match. The two crew members who have put a wager on me are shouting me home like nothing else. The captain has joined us.

We down the balls and only the black ball is remaining on the table. Tom takes a shot and misses. I strut towards the table, confident that the game is in the bag. I take my shot and you can hear the two crew members groan when I miss. Tom steps forward equally as confident. Too confident because he misses. He can't quite believe he hasn't downed the black ball by now. I need to win this shot, not just for the game but to stamp my authority on Mr Paris. His face is incredulous when I win, he just stares at me. I don’t have time to say anything because Chell and Henley have come up to congratulate me and before I know it I have swept Donna up into embrace. She looks pleased, not so Chell when I do it to him. I thank them both for having confidence in me.

As I walk back over to the group who are sat with Tom, I am already looking forward to the evening with him. I am so pleased he put on the side wager.

"Well Chakotay, it seems you did have a misspent youth." Kathryn gives me a knowing smile.

"Oh I think Mr Paris was a little off form tonight." I look over at Tom and smile.

"No, Chakotay you won fair and square. Congratulations. What's it to be, vegetable lasagne. I think the replicator can manage that.

"No replicators Tom, I want the meal prepared the old fashioned way. Nelix will lend you the facilities, I'm sure."

"Come on Chakotay, have a heart. I can't be slaving over a hot helm and then a hot stove." He gives me a dazzling, can I have my own way, smile and I melt.

"OK, I'll make it easy on you but I am sure you don’t deserve it. You can choose the menu, not lasagne, and the music. I'll bring the wine."

"Commander you are just to nice to him. You should have him preparing that meal all day, he was so sure he was going to win." Ken said to me cordially as he got up from the table.

Tom got up to go as well and the good mood began to collapse.

"Tomorrow, 1800 hours alright with you Commander?"

"Can’t tomorrow, Tom. What about the day after?"

He nods yes and they both leave. Kathryn squeezes my arm and nods towards the bar.

"You alright Chakotay?"

"I won’t stand in the way of Tom's happiness but it does hurt when I see them together. He seems to have settled down with Ken, better than he did with me. I will just have to be happy with friendship. That's all I can expect but this time it will have to be enough." I don' t know who I am kidding, her or me. I don't want it to be just friendship.

I hardly look or speak to Tom on the bridge the next day, keeping myself busy with reports and other things. I can see him trying to catch my eye but I just pretend I don't see him. I go to my quarters and call for a privacy lock. I am not doing anything in particular but I had told Tom I was busy, which was a lie. I am just eating my dinner when the chime breaks into my thoughts. I ask the computer who it is. Obviously Tom cannot wait until tomorrow to see me. I don’t answer and after a few minutes he goes away.

I think about Tom, what I would like to do to him. It has been quite awhile since I have kissed him, sucked on his tongue but the image and feel is always with me. I put on some relaxing music, take of my clothes, turn the lights low and lie on the couch. I pour a little oil on my chest, rubbing it into my nipples. I close my eyes and squeeze firmly. My cock hardens as I moan out loud. I reach down and begin stroking myself with my slicked hand. As I take my time I imagine my favourite position with Tom. We had only done it once but it had been so good. I stroke myself harder as I think over the time when he had come into my office calling for a privacy lock. He had let his trousers slip down and I could see he was prepared. He had looked over his shoulder and said take me now, hard. As I thought over how fiercely I had plunged into him I could feel myself getting close. My badge beeps and Tom's voice wafts over me.

"Go ahead Tom."

I am still stroking myself and I just need him to say something, anything, while I am imagining how I hard I had thrust into him. He is talking about a report but I am not listening to the words just the sound of his voice. As I remember how I had come with a shout and so had he, spraying all over my desk, my climax hits me and I am unable to hold back the moan.

"Chakotay are you alright? Are you ill?"

I cannot answer, I am still in the throes of ecstasy

"Chakotay, answer me please. Do you need me to come to your quarters?"

"Tom, I'm fine. I can't talk now. I'll get back to you later."


I am a bit shaken, Chakotay had sounded in pain or distressed. But as he didn't seem to want to talk to me I couldn't do anything about it. Making my way to meet Ken in Sandrine's I cannot help feeling concerned. I watch for the Commander showing up but he doesn't and I go to my quarters unsettled but non the wiser.

The next day I am at the helm. I don't have much to do, it is plain flying in this area. I am thinking over last night and how to approach Chakotay when it hits me. He hadn't been in pain or distress, the bastard had been having an orgasm. I had heard that sound often enough and the moan last night was the one he made when it was a particular intense climax. I turn around and look at him but he just smiles and his face doesn't give anything away.

So he is in a relationship, or at least fucking someone. That had been kept quiet. I hadn’t heard a thing on the grapevine. The question is, man or woman? I could just about cope with the idea of him with a woman but a man and what if he started bringing him to Sandrine's. What if I had to stand and watch Chakotay holding his lover's hand, kissing him. I am working myself into a real state. The bastard could have his meal tonight and then go. The quicker the better. Luckily, now I've built myself up to this state of mind it is time to go for lunch. I sit with Greg, Geron, Ken and Harry. Greg, Geron and I have put our differences aside and in fact I have been of some help, talking over with Geron my experience in prison.

I try to sound as casually as I can.

"I've heard on the grapevine that the Commander has a new lover. Anyone heard who it is?" I dig into my food, affecting an uncaring attitude.

"Are you sure? He's not mentioned it to me and I am sure he would." Greg looks at the other two.

"I've not heard anything," Ken adds. Geron shakes his head.

"Well if it’s true, which I doubt, it must be someone special. The only time he's not mentioned a budding romance to me, is you." Greg looks at me and grins.

"I just wondered, he's seemed a little preoccupied of late." Just then the man in question comes in, with Adamson. They are both laughing and I watch Chakotay indicate to Adamson to find a table. I am still watching when Chakotay sits down, with both his own lunch and Adamson's.

"Well that could be our man. If Chakotay's picking his lunch for him, he must know him pretty well." Harry turns back around.

"Yeah, I remember seeing Adamson eyeing the Commander up in the Gym. It must have taken a good whacking to get rid of the hard on he sported that afternoon." Ayala adds.

I am beginning to wish I hadn’t brought the subject up. Then Geron chips in.

"Well if it's anybody, I'd have thought it would have been Tabor. I've seen him coming out of the Commander's office at least three or four times in the past couple of weeks."

I stand up, ready to leave. I have heard enough.

"Well Tom, you're in the best position to find out. Ply him with wine tonight and loosen his tongue. Let us know what you find out in the morning." Harry raises his eyebrows suggestively.

Back at the helm I again have plenty of time to think. Chakotay doesn't come straight back to the bridge which gets me thinking overtime. Is it Tabor or Adamson he's got over his desk. I think back to the only time we had done that, it had been good, so very good. After an hour he comes back onto the bridge but we have no need to say much to each other. As I am leaving for the end of shift, he comes over to me.

"Still alright for tonight, Tom?" He reaches out and touches my arm. I involuntary pull away and I see confusion in his eyes.

"Yes, it's still on. That's if you want to?"

He gives me a wary look and nods. "See you tonight."

I call to see Ken on my way back and afterwards feel much calmer. I sit and mull over things. So Chakotay has got over our break-up and maybe his unsettled behaviour on the away mission had nothing to do with me and just maybe his declaration that he was not man enough was not directed at me at all. So what if he has a new lover that doesn't mean he cannot be interested in me again. I come to a decision. I am not going to get rid of him quickly like I decided this morning. I am going to take my time, give him good food, good atmosphere and good conversation. Maybe he will just come back for more.

The room is perfect, soft lighting, ambient music. I have decided on a spicy soup for starters, a stir fry for main, dessert I will decide on later. I spend the same amount of time on deciding what to wear. I don't want to come over as some wanton but I want to look good enough to eat and hopefully Chakotay will take the bait and try a nibble. I decide on a blue silk shirt, nice to touch as well as good to look at. I jump when the chime goes, take some deep breaths and open the door.

His effortless sexuality takes my breath away. Black trousers and a cream shirt, unbuttoned enough to show off his chest. He hands me a bottle of champagne.

"What's the occasion?"

"We are drinking to friendship, our friendship and our continuing friendship. I hope."

"I hope so to." I pop the cork and hand him a glass.

"To us." So he only wanted friendship. His eyes hold something else, something I am not quite sure of.

We sit down and begin our meal. The conversation flows easily, he compliments me on my choice of menu and music. I had intended bringing up his dreams on the away mission but we are having such a good time that I don't want to spoil the atmosphere.

Towards the end I bring up the night before. "I was really worried about you last night. You sounded very distressed." I watch as a blush creeps over his cheeks. So he does have something to hide.

"There was no need to worry, but thanks for the thought."

I can see he isn't going to expand on what happened.

We finish the meal and move over to the couch. If I didn’t know better I would think he was flirting with me. He is laughing at all my jokes, smiling at me all the time and I am doing the same back. Of course as we sat at the table I became aroused and I am still aroused. If Chakotay glances at either my nipples or my cock he will see how I am reacting to him. At the end of the night he gets up to leave but hesitates near the door.

"I've had a very enjoyable night, next time I'll have to replicate for you." He reaches over and touches my arm. I don't know if he is conscious of it but he begins stroking my shirt and I didn't think it was possible, but I am getting harder. As he realises what he is doing he moves away.

"Chakotay." He turns back around. "Can we get together next week?"

"I'd like that. Goodnight." For a minute I think he is going to kiss me but he walks out the door.


How I got out the door without ravishing Tom I will never know. I hadn’t realised I was stroking his arm until I had started to get aroused. He had been pleasant company, he had looked fantastic, he seemed to be flirty and he hadn’t mentioned Ken once.

The next day on the bridge I make sure I praise him at least once and after lunch I manage to squeeze his shoulder, leaving my hand there longer than is necessary, enjoying the feeling. He turns and gives me a dazzling smile.

That night I decide to visit Sandrine's to see what Tom is up to, see how him and Ken are getting on. As I enter Adamson shouts me over to the bar, so I join him for a drink. He's been having trouble coming to terms with the Delta Quadrant. A couple of weeks ago he become depressed at the thought he would never see his family again. Whatever he did he couldn't get over the idea that we were stuck out here. I had been helping him both to come to terms with our situation but also to give him hope that we would get home. We talk for a while and then make our way over to the pool table. I am winning, hands down but I can see Adamson is enjoying himself and I am pleased. We put away the cues and as I turn, I see Tom sitting with some of our mutual friends. I grab Adamson's arm and move with him towards the group.

"You don’t mind if we join you do you?" Everyone nods and I go back to the bar to get the drinks. I don't hear Tom approach from behind.

"You two seem close." Before I have chance to comment he has set off towards the door. I sit back down

"Tom's retired early?" I comment to Ken.

"Something's upset him."

After a couple of drinks, Ken asks me to a game of pool. I agree, it's unusual but he's a good player and I could do with the practice.

After a couple of shots, he gives me a look, a look that says he wants to ask me a question but doesn't know how to start.

"So you and Adamson been together long?" He bends back down before I can see his face.

"Me and Adamson? I've been helping him to work out some issues, that's all."

My turn. "How are things going with you and Tom?"

"Me and Tom. I don’t know what you mean, we haven't been together for ages. Not since that incident with Geron."

"But you're still good friends?"

"Very good friends and I hope whatever happens we stay good friends."

I think that is a strange statement but I don't call him on it. We finish, Ken wins, my mind isn't on the game. I say my goodnights and go for a walk, thinking over the things Ken has said.

I don't know how but I have ended up outside Tom's quarters. I press the chime and wait. There is no answer. I press again. The door opens and a sleepy, delectable Tom Paris stands, staring at me bemusedly. I let the door close behind me, sweep him into my arms and kiss him savagely. I let him go and walk out.

The next day on the bridge he avoids me, avoids even looking in my direction. I could have made a mistake but how he had responded last night, I didn't think so. As we break for lunch, he holds back and catches my arm.

"Could I have a word with you in your office Commander."

We walk to my office in silence. Maybe I am mistaken and he is going to tell me to leave him alone. The door shuts behind me and then my breath is leaving my body as I am shoved against the wall. This time he is kissing me for all he is worth. In a reversal of the day before, he turns and walks out the room.

As we stand in the turbo lift at the end of the shift, Tom leans over. "See you in Sandrine's tonight." I nod, the sexual heat already building up in me.

I sit in a booth, watching the door for Tom. He comes in with Harry and they go straight to the pool table. I watch him, I watch how he bends over, I watch how he handles the cue, how he laughs at something Harry says. I am in the shadows so I reach down and gently stroke my hardening dick, savouring every movement Tom makes

I see that they have finished their game and Tom looks across towards me. I indicate to him to come over and join me.

He stands very close, looking at me.

"Can I ask you a personal question Tom?" He nods

""Are you fucking Dalby?"

"No. Are you fucking Adamson?"

"No." I reach out and take his hand, stroking the back of it with my thumb. I stand up facing him, still rubbing his hand.

"Do you want to fuck me?"

He turns his head away and moans.

"Please Chakotay, don’t play games with me."

I take his hand and rub it against my still hard cock.

"No games Tom."

"I'm sorry I just can't." Before I know what he is doing he's out the door. I move quick but the corridor is empty. Asking the computer for a location I find out Tom is in the main observation lounge. I make my way there quickly and march in, calling for a privacy lock.

"Tom." He turns around and I see tears in his eyes.

"I can’t do this Chakotay. I can’t do the casual sex thing anymore. You mean too much to me."

I hold his face, just looking at the beautiful man in front of me. I kiss him gently, stroking my hands over his chest.

"I don’t just want sex with you, Tom. I want a relationship with you. I want what we once had. But at the moment all I can think about is you making love to me."

My hand slides up his chest, playing with his hardening buds. Then he is slowly undoing my shirt, worshiping my chest with his tongue. Then he stops.

"Can we go back to your quarters. After we have made love I'd like to fall asleep in your arms."

"Paris, you're going to kill me with frustration."

"Can't have that can we Chakotay."

Then he is on his knees, sucking me hard. My hands are carding through his hair. I have missed this, missed him. I'm coming down his throat within minutes.

As I help him to his feet, he looks at me seriously.

"Chakotay, before I take you, I need to tell you something. I'm in love with you. If I make love to you I need to know we are serious about each other. I'm sorry but I need commitment."

I take his hand and lead him to his quarters.

His face is down, dejected.

"Tom, get a change of uniform, some sleeping clothes and anything else you might need in the near future."

He looks at me questioningly.

"Do it, Mr Paris." He quickly prepares an overnight bag.

I don't say anything else, just lead him to my room.

"Put your bag down there." We just look at each other, taking our time. Tom begins to take off his clothes and makes his way to the bedroom.

I stand at the door, watching his pale body laid out as in the dreams. He looks so vulnerable but so sensual.

I lie down next to him and take his hand in mine.

"Tom before we get into any serious discussion, please I just want you to fuck me. Will you."

He moans and leans over for a kiss. "I would love to make love to you." I hand him the lube and he begins preparing me, stretching me, caressing the spot that gives me so much pleasure and then he is slowly entering me. Then he is fucking me hard. Hard and relentless. He fills me like nobody else. Then we are both coming, holding on to each other like our life depends on it.

He lies in my arms, clinging to me. I can’t get enough of stroking his body. He turns to me and gives me a little smile.

"Can I ask you something? What happened on the last away mission, with the dreams?"

I pull him to me. "I dreamt about you. With me, with Greg, with Harry." I paused, it felt stupid now that I was actually putting it in words. "With Max. In the dreams you were taunting me that I wasn't man enough for you and I took it literally but in the end I figured I just wasn't man enough to take on a relationship with you. But I want you more than life, Tom Paris."

"Chakotay another question. The other day when you sounded distressed. I recognised the sound of you having an orgasm, who were you with?"

I felt him tense up.

"I was with you."

"Don’t lie to me Chakotay, you know I wasn’t with you."

"Oh you was Tom. I was jerking off to the thought of you in my office. You caught me just as I imagined hammering into you."

He laughed, with relief. "You bastard. Why didn't you call me over."

"Would you have come?"

"I would when I saw you jerking off."

"That isn't what I meant. So are you going to move in with me?"

"So what are you asking, Chakotay. Move in, marriage, having my babies?"

"Tom, moving in, marriage, I'd love to. But babies you have not a cat in hell's chance."

"Well then I'll settle for the moving in and marriage. Will you marry me Chakotay."

"I'd love to, but Tom, definitely no babies."

"OK but plenty of loving?"

"Oh definitely plenty of that."

The end