The Logs Of Passion by PJ in NH

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Title: Engineer's Log - Intimate Relations
Author: PJ in NH
Series: VOY
Codes: AU T, J, P/T
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Voyager owns all the characters, etc., I'm just using the characters for a little fun and relaxation.
Posting: OK to ASC, ASCEM, BLTS, & PT Fever. Please notify me if you post anywhere else.

Note of Appreciation: Special thanks to Patti Heyes, Phyllis Sutherland, and Laura Hale for betaing/proofing this story for me.

Synopsis: B'Elanna's expresses her point of view in her personal log regarding the Captain's feelings for Tom Paris, and her feelings for the blue-eyed pilot as well. (This is an addition to my "Captain's Logs", part of my "Logs of Passion" series.)

Engineer's Log Intimate Relations
by PJ in NH
July 1999

B'Elanna Torres' Personal Log

Almost as soon as the Maquis stepped foot on Voyager, I knew that our captain had a special place in her heart for the "Observer" and soon-to-be Chief Pilot. At first, I thought it was a feeling born out of simple compassion, but I soon learned just how special she felt Tom Paris was. She loved him--no, it was more like she craved him. It was there in the soft looks she gave to him and him alone. In the way she would place her hand on his shoulder when he piloted Voyager, and especially in the way she would wet her lips in his presence when she thought no one was looking.

I believe that I was the first one on the ship who was aware of her feelings. Probably even before she had admitted them to herself. Perhaps it is because I'm a woman too, or more than likely, it's that I've loved him for almost as long.

Klingons and love--if the captain only knew how keen our senses are when we have found our soul mate. We can sense a potential rival even before they realize that they are attracted to our mate themselves. And I did sense *her*. I could see her grey eyes dilate when she was near him. I could smell her perfume, Midnight Surrender, and the nervous perspiration when she would approach him. I could hear her slight intake in breath when Tom spoke to her. Tom Paris though, even with his reputation of being a womanizer, was still but a man, and didn't seem to notice any of these tell-tale signs. He treated her like the captain she was, but with a bit more flippancy and humor than a lieutenant would show to most captains.

Perhaps it was this bit of irreverence and levity than led Kathryn Janeway to believe that he might be open to a possible relationship, but I knew better. I had seen him interact with Chakotay on the Liberty in much the same fashion.

At that time, I had even commented on his actions to one of the Maquis engineers, Timothy, an older man who had once served in Starfleet like Chakotay. Timothy had laughed when I suggested that our new pilot should be reprimanded for lack of respect. I questioned his reaction to my concern. He explained that he had served on the U.S.S. Exeter at the same time as Tom and that the pilot's demeanor was nothing new. Paris had this same casual rapport with the captain of that vessel. Timothy speculated that it had something to do with Tom's father being an admiral and growing up in a "Starfleet family" from birth--a family chock full of commanders and admirals. Mere lieutenant commanders and captains did not intimidate Tom Paris like they did the other young ensigns. To him, they were like anyone else, so he didn't temper his tongue. He said what he felt within reason. And if what he said helped to lighten the mood on the bridge and endear people to him---male or female, captain or crewmember--so much the better. I doubted Timothy's evaluation at the time, but have learned from experience that he spoke the truth.

For the first couple of years in the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn Janeway had kept her emotions fairly under control and to herself. During Tom's metamorphosis after achieving warp ten, I think that Janeway almost told Tom of her feelings for him. If she had been alone with him in sickbay and if Tom hadn't been so antagonistic at the time due to his changing body chemistry, perhaps she would have. Tom told me, after we had committed to our relationship, that he had apologized for coupling with her during their the visit to that alien planet, even though neither one could remember the deed. She had replied that maybe it might not have been his idea, she might have initiated the copulation. Of that I have no doubt. That's funny! Thinking back, I bet she's pissed that she can't recall having sex with Tommy Lizard and having those little lizard-ettes!

I do have to give the Captain credit, after that she tried very hard not to let her attraction for him surface. But when Tom and I returned from that galacite mining expedition, the one where I experienced Blood Fever, things changed. Janeway was there when we beamed up from the planet, ready to beam down herself at Chakotay's request. She looked first at Tom, taking careful notice of the crescent-shaped bite mark I had given him, and then at me. Her eyes hardened upon seeing me and her face paled. Abruptly ordering us to turn in reports to her by the next day, she pivoted on her heel and left. Tuvok looked at me and raised one eyebrow, as if to say "what was that about?" I simply shrugged my shoulders. It would serve no purpose to explain to the Vulcan that I suspected the captain had been experiencing her own blood fever for the Voyager's chief pilot. That was something that he'd have to find out on his own.

Not long after that, I thought she might have had an opportunity to act upon her emotions during our experience with the Nyrians. Tom and I hadn't been getting along at the time--as with all relationships we had our ups and downs. We are both very stubborn individuals, and this time was no exception. Tom had found a fulfilling physical release by using the bat'leths on the holodeck, and I, at the time, wanted nothing to do with my Klingon heritage. Our argument had started based on that and accelerated after we had been transported to the Nyrian ship. I snapped and he snarled, and Janeway, when she wasn't trying to get us out of there, relished every moment. She even tried to intensify our tension by sending Tom to check up on me while I was working with the Doctor. It worked, my Klingon temper got the best of me, and I let Tom have it and he stormed away. Later, trapped in the ice cave of the Argalla habitat he saved me from freezing to death, using my own Klingon rage to my benefit. Thankfully, we found that despite our anger there was still a lot of love. The smile he gave me in the holodeck after we returned did more to warm me than all he did for me in the ice caves. That one smile, the glint of delight from his blue eyes, made my heart burst with joy. We were back and better than before. That one grin spoke of promise for our future.

Afterwards, Janeway found other things to occupy her mind. Namely, Kes leaving and Seven of Nine coming on board. The captain had taken it upon herself to help that Borg bimbo adapt to becoming human again...though I think the effort will ultimately prove to be *futile*. Seven will always possess enough Borg traits to make me wary. But thankfully it was enough of a distraction for Janeway to put aside her feelings for her Chief Pilot for a while.

Despite her preoccupation with Seven, I could tell that Janeway still hadn't put aside her passion for our pilot when Tom and I had to go and retrieve the ejected warp core. She knew that we would have the best chance of retrieving that vital component to the ship in one piece, and had been forced to let us go. During our sojourn in space when we had to don environmental suits and abandon the shuttle, Tom and I almost died. Drifting in the vacuum of space, I professed my love for him and, while he didn't repeat those words back to me, I knew he felt the same. The last traces of precious oxygen had all been but used up when the captain contacted Tom and they beamed us aboard Voyager.

During the time in recovery, Janeway came down to check on us. Lying there in better condition that Tom was in, but still groggy, I watched her speak with the Doctor through my barely opened eyelids. When she was through with the EMH, she came over to our biobeds. She paused briefly beside my bed and patted me on the shoulder...probably for show as the Doctor was still in the room. Then, she turned her attention to Tom. She placed her hand on his cheek and then his forehead, brushing back his unruly hair from his face. It must have roused him a bit. For although he was not yet fully awake, he began to mumble and finally speak in a barely audible voice. Yet loud enough that I could understand him and I knew the captain could also. My heart almost burst with joy upon hearing those words he uttered: "B'Elanna, too." Kathryn Janeway, I was aware, had obviously heard him since she was closer to him than I was. I could also hear her breath catch in her throat, and through slitted eyelids I saw her complexion blanch. As she started to turn her head toward me, it was at that moment I decided to open my eyes. I wanted her to know that I had heard what Tom had said as well, and I met her gaze directly with a smile on my face. I wanted to yell: "He's mine, you can't have him!" but I chose to remain silent knowing that my smile alone spoke volumes. Victory was mine. He was my man, the half to my whole, and I would fight a fleet of Borg cubes, or my captain, to save him if need be.

Following Tom's declaration of love, Kathryn Janeway stewed in her emotions for a while and became colder, but she hid it very well...most of the time. During the time when those out-of-phase aliens infiltrated the ship and performed medical experiments on us, her jealous anger seeped through. The dopamine that those alien scientists injected her with, and her constant headaches, weakened her resolve. Having heard that we had been displaying our affection a little too *publicly* she snapped. While she didn't tell us not to have a relationship -- even her authority didn't extend that far--she tried her best to discourage it. She adamantly warned us against public displays of affection and called our behavior *adolescent*, but her words didn't quench our passion. In fact, it may have helped to fuel our fire.

After those aliens left the ship, Tom invited me to his cabin for dinner. It was lovely, I felt like a queen. After we ate... other cravings.... We had come close before to expressing our feelings to the fullest extent, but that night we didn't hold back. It was a turning point in our relationship, a night I would never forget. It was better than I could have possibly imagined. What I experienced was pure bliss and fire at the same moment--contentment and intensity simultaneously. I would never question the existence of heaven or Sto-Vo-Kor again. I knew it dwelled in our hearts...Tom's and mine--and they beat as one.

The next morning Tom held me close, his chest pressed up against my back. We talked before we found a little piece of paradise again. We decided then and there that we would commit ourselves to each other. For now it would be more than an engagement, but less than a marriage. The marriage would come in due time, with that we were content. We also agreed to be a bit more discreet with our new relationship. Liaisons on engineering consoles would take place on the holodeck only. Thank Kahless that Tom was such a creative holoprogrammer!

That reminds me, I must have Vorik install an extra vent or two on the holodecks to assist with heat dissipation and also have him increase the thickness of the soundproofing material!

End Log.

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