Series: Pursuing Chakotay
Title: Why? 4/7
Author: Darksusie - March 04
Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.
Three months since the Equinox fiasco, three months since I told Tom I didn’t want him. Three months of watching him fuck one crew member after another. He's back to how he was before we got together. It is obvious I meant nothing to him. I'm falling apart and he's just living it up.
I still wake up hard for him. I am taking more showers now than when we first broke up. It hasn't got any easier but then again I hadn't expected it to.
I made it plain to the Captain that I had gone over to the Equinox unwillingly and I had done everything in my power to disable the ship. We had stayed up half the night talking things over. I told her that Tom and me were finished. She tried to talk me out of it, said to give it some time, that things would settle down. I didn’t need things to settle down. I knew there was no future in the relationship. Better to cut my loses now before it was too late.
I made sure that we were never alone and the captain did not send us on any away missions together. I didn’t want to risk getting in a conversation with Tom, I wanted to avoid at all costs going over old ground. A heart to heart was not on the agenda.
One lunchtime Ayala stops me, asks me to join him for lunch. We are good friends but since he has taken up with Geron he usually spends his lunch times back in his quarters showing the young Bajoran what love is really about. If he wants to join me for lunch that means that he wants to talk and it could only be about Geron or Tom. I sit down hoping he wants some advice on his own love life. I do not want to talk about Paris. Especially now.
The night before I had gone into storage, looking for some spare components. I was at the back when I heard muffled sounds. Silently I made my way forward. I should just have turned and left but I couldn't. Tom was leant against a crate, his trousers pooled at his feet. His face was flushed with arousal and the moans coming from him told me he was near climaxing. Hammering into him was Ken Dalby. Tom's face was filled with ecstasy. I struggled to keep down the feeling of nausea.
His words rang out through the still air.
"Fuck me harder Ken. I want you in me so much. Harder Ken please, make me come." I watched as Ken reached around and began stroking Tom, ravishing every inch of his neck. I heard the familiar sound of Tom climaxing and then I heard the words I should have said three months ago.
"I love you Tom Paris, I love you so much."
I didn’t stay around to hear Tom's reply. I made my way back to my quarters and the tears I had held back for so long took over. All the heartbreak of Ivan and Max came back, all the new heartbreak over Tom overwhelmed me. Eventually I pulled myself together. I didn’t resent Tom his happiness. I had rejected him and he needed to move on. I couldn't expect anything else, but it still hurt watching him beg another man to fuck him.
I brought myself back to the present. If I didn't blame him and I didn’t, then why did I find it so hard to talk to him, to act at least civil? I should be man enough to get over it and let things get back to normal.
Ayala smiles as he sits down, asking me how I am doing. That's a bad sign, when a subordinate asks about your well-being.
"Ok. Greg what's on your mind? I know you're fond of me but I am sure I must be keeping you from doing the Dorvan Tango with Geron. So tell me why you are spending your lunch with an old man instead of a tantalising young ensign."
"Old man, not you Chakotay." He looks at me warily. Greg can still remember my legendary temper and is still cautious of it.
"I need to ask you something. I want the truth and I'd prefer it if you didn't lose your temper and hit me. OK." He softens what he has said with a grin.
I smile back. I hadn't hit anyone in a long time.
"I can't promise anything Greg, but go ahead and ask."
"Did you go over to the Equinox of your own volition?"
Why Greg was asking this question now, puzzled me.
"No. I was forced to transport across by Max. You know that, you know I would never leave the Voyager crew willingly. Why are asking this, now?"
"Tom Paris told Geron that you were in love with Max, that you followed him to the Equinox to be with him and that you were willing to abandon your friends."
I jump to my feet, the chair falling over. "He said what. You should know me better than that. I'll kill him when I get my hands on him."
I don't give Greg a chance to say anything else but make my way to Paris' quarters.
He opens the door and I push by him.
"Why?" He looks mystified at my question.
"What do you want Commander?" He turns away, I notice he doesn't look me in the eye.
"Why after all this time are you telling lies about me. Why are you telling people I willing went to the Equinox?"
It takes all my will power not to knock the sneer off his face.
"Didn’t you?"
"You know I didn't. You were are at the briefing, you know I was forced across." I was finding it hard to put a lid on my temper. If the crew thought I had deliberately abandoned them I would lose all respect. The thought that Tom was doing this to destroy my standing on the ship crossed my mind.
"That's what you say. That's not what Noah Lessing told me. As I see it you were back with your lover a couple of days and you were prepared to stand back while we were destroyed. Obviously Voyager and it's crew didn't mean much to you."
I hadn’t planned on hitting him but I did. A cross to his jaw which fells him, then I am astride him pinning him to the floor.
"You listen to me and listen good. I was not with Max, and I did not abandon Voyager. I don’t know what your game is Paris but I thought you were above lying to blacken my name."
"So what did you and Goldie get up to? According to the transporter logs you were in his quarters. What were you doing Commander reminiscing over old times?"
I then realise I am sat astride him, groin to groin, my hands clasping his, my lips near his neck. I quickly let go and jump up.
Tom stays on the floor, his breathing erratic. His eyes lock with mine and for a second I think I see need.
I have to get away from him and I quickly leave his quarters. I set off to have a word with Noah Lessing. All he will say is that he told Paris that he had seen me in Max's quarters and that we had seemed very close. It seems as thought Tom has put two and two together and got a completely different story because one thing was evident, Max and I were not close, not on Voyager and certainly not on the Equinox.
I had allowed myself to slip. I should never have gone to see Paris. Our little bit of rough and tumble had aroused me. As I had marched to Lessing's quarters it had subsided but now in my room the memory of his body under me hardens me again. I try to distract myself with a report but the image of me leant over him comes unbidden. I take the image further and imagine me kissing him, snaking my tongue between his lips. If I concentrate I can hear his moan of pleasure. I put down the report and slowly rub my arousal. The moan of pleasure I hear now is my own. My head falls back as I feel the sensations building. I picture Tom, knelt at my feet, his face dirty from the grease of his automobile, his lips caressing me. The door chime cuts into my thoughts. The chime becomes more insistent as I try to collect myself. I open the door and Paris rushes in.
"My turn to ask why?"
I turn away from him. "What do you mean why?"
"Why did you end it? We were good together, so unless you were still in love with Max, why did you end it? Tell me Chakotay."
I still had my back to him, still unable to face him.
"I was not in love with Max. I did not go over to the Equinox to be with Max. I did not leave Voyager willingly. I have answered your question so could you leave?"
He moves in front of me, looking me straight in the eye.
"Are you alright? You look flushed and you're perspiring. Shall I call the doctor?"
"Paris, I've told you what you want to know, just go. Please."
"No, no Chakotay. I'm not going anywhere till you answer my question. Why did you finish it?"
All the time I had known Tom Paris he had pushed me. The first time we met he had goaded me to take him as my pilot. In the first year of Voyager he had tried every bit of patience I had. When he decided he wanted me he didn’t take no for an answer and then he pushed me to the limit with his erratic behaviour, his flirting. Maybe it was time to do a little pushing back.
"I'll answer your question in a minute. After I've asked one of my own." I turn and get hold of his arm. He moves back and I move with him, till he is against the wall. I put both hands at either side of his head, mirroring the seductive pose he had used with Geron, all those months ago. Our bodies are touching, for only the second time in months. Though I am playing a game with Tom my body still reacts to the closeness.
I rake my eyes over his body and I notice he is getting nervous.
"Are you still with Dalby, is he still fucking you hard?" I raise my eyebrows suggestively.
I watch as he swallows, licking his lips as they suddenly go dry.
"I'm a free agent, remember. You don't want me." He begins to move away but I push him back into the wall, pinning his legs with my own. He will be able to feel my erection and I know this will unsettle him even more.
"I hear Ken's in love with you."
"What game are you playing Chakotay. You don’t want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me. Is that it?"
"No Tom that's not it at all. Is he in love with you?"
"He says so."
I move closer to Tom, we are both aroused. I lean forward and kiss his neck. He moans and throws his head back to allow me more access. I put my tongue out and trace his lips and then I kiss him with a passion I want to deny. He responds beautifully. I can tell he could be mine for the taking.
I break away from the kiss and began sucking his neck again. "Are you in love with him?"
He moans and manages a breathless "No."
"Can I fuck you?" I ask but already know the answer.
"Please Chakotay, make love to me." His hands are caressing my ass pulling me closer.
It takes some willpower but I break away. His face is flushed, his lips swollen, his hair tussled and at this moment I want him but know I can’t have him. He looks bewildered.
"There's your answer." I move away.
"What the fuck! What answer?"
"That's why I finished it. You're incapable of being faithful. In the end you would have broken my heart like the other two, like you will do with Dalby. Love means nothing to you. Ken is in love with you but you think nothing of letting me fuck you."
"You bastard. It was different with you. You know that." He flies at me but a quickly overpower him and throw him to the couch.
"Listen to me, please Tom?" He calms down a little though I can see he is still agitated. "I'll be straight with you. I have only been in love three times in my life and twice I have been hurt so bad it has taken years to get over. When Goldie came aboard it unsettled me. I thought I still had feelings for him but he had changed, I had changed. When he forced me to go to The Equinox I realised how my feelings for you had grown. How much you had wrapped yourself around my heart and I knew that my feelings for you made me vulnerable. Too vulnerable. I had opened myself up to the same hurt that Ivan and Max had given me. I couldn't go through that again. That's why I finished it. Your actions here tonight confirm I did the right thing."
He was angry, I could see he was trying his best to contain it. "You are telling me you ended our relationship because you fell in love with me. I have suffered 3 months of hell because you decided you couldn’t handle your feelings for me. Well fuck you Mr High and Mighty. You weren’t the only one in love."
He marches out. So much for me running the show. Is he telling the truth when he says he had been in love with me and had I thrown a good thing away because I had been too cowardly to take a risk?
I ask the Captain if I can take a few days off, I need to get my mind straight on things. I meditate, meet with my spirit guide, contemplate my situation and then I decide to speak to Tom.
The computer says he is in the mess hall and I hesitate, but I know if I don't do this now I just won't do it at all. I march in, see him with Ken Dalby and the uncertainty creeps back again. Then he looks up, catches my eye and holds my gaze. I can't read what he is thinking, since we split up he has become guarded with me. The food looks tempting so I pretend to take an interest in what is for lunch. Turning, I see that Ken has left for duty and Tom is on his own.
"May I join you?" I ask. He can't disguise his confused look. "Just for a moment."
"Feel free." He affects a casual air but I know he is curious why I am here.
"Tom, I need to speak with you. Would you drop by my quarters tonight, maybe for something to eat?
He doesn't say anything.
"If you feel uncomfortable with that we could meet in my office." I was beginning to think this was a bad idea. Sometimes my spirit guide did this, gave my guidance, which turned out to be a bad lesson, just to provoke me into thinking.
"No, I'll come to your quarters, about 2000 hours, I'll bring the wine, you provide the food." He gets up and leaves. Doesn't look around, doesn't ask why.
It takes another long meditation session before I can feel ready to face Tom. By the time he rings the chime, I have centred myself enough to know what I have to say. The atmosphere is strained at first, but I suggest we eat first and then talk.
He tells me about what has been happening on the bridge while I have been off duty and we lapse into civil, if mundane talk.
After the meal he sits on the couch while I pour the drinks. I use this time to think how I am going to open the conversation, but he doesn't give me the chance.
"OK Chakotay, why have you asked me here?"
"I want to apologise to you." I can see with the expression on his face that this is the last think he is expecting.
"You want to apologise to me. What for?" The Paris smirk is nowhere to be seen, which I am glad for. At least he is taking this conversation seriously.
"Goldie, the way I finished it, that I didn't explain things to you. Everything really. I know we can't go back but I would like us to be friends. Before we got involved, we had a good friendship going. Couldn't we go back to that?"
I watch as he thinks this over.
"I'd like us to be friends but first tell me why we went wrong. I thought we were good together, after we sorted out our problems. Tell me why, then maybe, just maybe we can be friends."
I sit down not knowing where to start. I do know where to start but it will sound like I am blaming him.
"You dragged me reluctantly into a relationship and then scared the shit out of me by fooling around." He was going to interrupt but I stopped him.
"Let me finish and then you can say what you need to." I get back up and began pacing. "I don't blame you, Tom. It's your nature and maybe if Goldie hadn’t come aboard we could have worked it through. I can’t tell you how much I was in love with Max. We had planned on being together forever, when he left the academy I was devastated. We wrote for a while and then I heard he had taken up with a local girl and the letters stopped. I had hoped we would get back together but it never happened. When he came on Voyager, he told me he still loved me and I fell for it. The feelings came back. I'm sorry. I slept with him, but he was only trying to get information about Voyager. He didn't want me. I knew I had made a mistake straight away. I wanted you. It had taken me years to let down my barriers but I knew you would break my heart and I just didn’t want that to happen again. I needed to get out before I was too far in. I'm really sorry I just couldn’t take a chance on you and now you've settled down with Ken I think we should try to get our friendship back. I miss being able to talk, like we used to."
No emotion had passed over his face while I had been talking and I sat down waiting for him to comment.
"You slept with him, while we were together! And then you accuse me of being the unfaithful type. I'll tell you this for nothing, I never slept with anyone while we were a couple. You were prepared to throw away everything we had because an old boyfriend dropped by. I don’t think we can be friends because every time we talk I'll just see you fucking Max."
He must have seen something in my face.
"Or him fucking you. You let him take you didn’t you. You never let me but you let a man you hadn't seen in years have what you wouldn't let me. Do you know how much I wanted to make love to you? Every time you refused you hurt me and I wanted you so much. You talk about your feelings, your hurt, what about mine. What do you think I was doing all that time we were together, just fucking. I can do that with anyone. We were making love. I had…" He stopped, struggling with his emotions. "I had feelings for you and you just threw me aside for someone who no longer gave a fuck about you."
"I said I had invited you here to apologise and that's what I am doing. What I did with Goldie was wrong and I certainly didn't get anything out of it. I am saying sorry for how things turned out, I am sorry for any hurt I caused you. Please Tom can we try to be friends." I hold my hand out and he takes it, avoiding my gaze.
"I can try. I'd like to try." He sets off for the door.
"Thanks for the meal, maybe we could get together for a game of pool tomorrow."
Before I realise what I am saying I blurt out, "It's a date."
He turns and gives me a look of regret. "No, it's definitely not that."
TBC
Pursuing Chakotay by Darksusie
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