Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.
We set off on an away mission. Harry is doing scans of a nearby planet. Tom is testing out the shuttle, looking for anything that can be improved on and I am in the rear doing tests on some minerals we have picked up. If my suspicions are correct these can be converted to a source of energy. I feel the shuttle shudder and the instrument I hold in my hand falls to the floor and breaks. Making my way to the front, I am concerned at the amount of times that I have to hold onto something to steady myself.
"Report."
"The shuttle's been sucked into a gravity well. We're going down. I am doing my best to compensate but it's going to be a bumpy ride." Tom can hardly get the report out, his concentration all on trying to get a safe landing.
I strap myself in and wait for the worst. I can see it doesn't look good but if anyone can get us down it is Paris.
I come to, aware of great pain in my leg. I try to open my eyes but it is taking too much effort so I leave them closed. I can hear voices but can only make out sounds not individual words. Sometime later I come to again and realise the pain in my leg is now just a low throb. I open my eyes and look around. I am on my own. I can see the shuttle to my left, smoke coming out of the hull. I can tell even from this distance that we won't be leaving the planet in the shuttle anytime soon. I hear a rustle over in the bushes and Tom and Harry emerge with some wood for the fire.
"You feeling any better, Commander?" Tom kneels and begins to inspect my leg.
"A lot better, thanks. Can you give me an update on our situation?" I gingerly sit up.
The shuttle's a right off, we've got a plasma leak which is why we are out here. Harry managed to get the supplies out and we have enough for three days. The main worry is the temperature. Even with the fire it's going to be freezing by night fall. I don’t want you to get too excited but we are all going to have to sleep together to conserve body heat. You're laid on a sleeping bag and a thermal blanket. If we stay dressed and lay together we can cover ourselves with the remaining sleeping bags and the two thermal blankets. That may be enough for us to survive."
I nod my approval.
"Harry has made a stew from some of the rations and that should be ready. Whatever it tastes likes it will be warm. After we have eaten I suggest we build up the fire and then get settled under the blankets before the temperature plummets too much.
"What do you mean whatever it tastes like? I'm a good cook and if you don’t shut up it will be you cooking tomorrow." Harry teasingly hits Tom.
Actually the food is delicious and we are soon settled under the blankets. Harry is in the middle and I am glad of that. Tom and I are getting our friendship back but I cannot trust my body not to react if he is that close to me. We talk, any trivial rubbish really, what is our favourite meal, what is the nicest place we have visited. Slowly my eyes become tired and I close them only half listening to the conversation that is still going on.
Much later I awake with a start. I hear a moan. Thinking someone is in pain I turn to my side to see if the other two are all right. They are oblivious to me. Tom is kissing Harry, passionately. My eyes are locked on them with a perverse fascination. A lump forms in my throat as Tom begins kissing Harry's neck making the ensign moan even louder. My eyes are half shut, pretending to them that I am still asleep. I watch as Tom sucks on Harry's lower lip and then he breaks away.
"You are so hard Harry. You could fuck me but I think that would wake the Commander, what do you say to me moving south and sucking you off." Harry groans even louder.
"You like that, don’t you Harry. Coming in my mouth, letting me taste you. Be quiet and the old man won’t even know."
I shout no and then sit up, drenched in sweat. The other two shoot up.
"What's the matter Chakotay, Are you in pain?" Tom and Harry look concerned.
"No, no." I take deep breaths. "I think I was dreaming."
Neither look like they had been kissing, in fact Tom looks bewildered like he always does when he awakes suddenly. He reaches over and touches my forehead causing me to shudder.
"You don’t look too well, and you are shivering. Move over Harry let him get in the middle. His body is still recovering from the injury, he may need more body heat."
I start to protest but Harry quickly moves to the other side of me and Tom pulls up the blankets as we settle down again.
"I'm sorry I woke you both." I am still shivering but more from the images in my head than the cold.
"You want to talk about the dream? It may help you to settle back down." Tom looks at me with concern and for some unknown reason I feel like crying.
"No, it's practically gone now. I'll be all right. Goodnight again."
I turn my back on him and close my eyes and try to calm my thoughts. It shouldn't matter to me if Harry and Tom have been kissing, it is nothing to do with me, though the old man bit had hurt. They were both free agents.
I drift off again, the sound of the fire and Harry's soft snores, lulling me back into the woolly warmth of sleep. When I open my eyes again I notice the fire has died down but it doesn't seem as cold. Sometime during the night my arm has wormed its way under Tom's head and he now lies snuggled up to my chest. I smile to myself, it feels very comforting, so very right. I watch him as he sleeps. The worry lines are all smoothed away, his hair is messy and all the old feelings came rushing back. I know the sensible thing to do would be to ease my arm out and turn away from him. What I should be doing is putting a lid on these feelings. But I don't, I just watch him as he breathes gently. Then his eyes flutter open and he holds my gaze. I expect him to jump out of my arms but he just reaches up and strokes my face. I reach down and gently kiss him. It feels so good. He kisses me back pushing his tongue out to caress mine. My body responds like it used to.
I must have moaned, "Shh, you'll wake Harry." He leans over and whispers in my ear. "Let me touch you Chakotay, let me show you how much I still want you." His hand moves down my body and then he begins rubbing my cock and all I can think of is his touch. I try to stifle the moan but as I come it is so good that I scream out. The next thing I hear is voices.
"Chakotay, Commander, are you alright."
I look around, dazed, confused and very sticky.
"You sounded like you were moaning in pain, Commander. Tom, we need to get him back to Voyager." Harry all concerned is leaning over me, wiping my forehead.
I am embarrassed, ashamed that I am even thinking of Tom like that. I know he would be shocked, probably disgusted after the way I treated him.
"I'll be alright." I don't mean it to but I sound stern. "You two go and collect some more firewood, I've got some things to take care of." I have to get them away, get myself cleaned up, get rid of the evidence of my foolishness.
Tom begins to argue.
"That's an order Lieutenant." I see his face fall.
"Yes sir."
As soon as they leave I find my bag, in there is a change of uniform. Once I am in it I can be civil to them, once the evidence of my idiotic dream is taken care of.
I am sitting making breakfast when they return.
"I'm sorry, my nerves seem to be getting the better of me. It’s these stupid dreams."
They both nod but don't comment.
Through the day the temperature warms up considerably and we can get on with building some kind of shelter. The dread of night time stays with me all through the morning. I consider sedating myself. Tom had rescued the med kit but if we need it later and I have used it for my own selfish purposes, I will be filled with guilt.
After lunch, another good meal from Harry, I say I need to be on my own for a while. I see the worried glance they both exchange but what can I say to them, I'm fine boys, no need to worry I'm just horny for Tom.
I only walk a small distance away, near enough for them to call me but far enough to feel I am on my own. I sit and steady my mind. I know the dreams have significance and I just need to see what that is. My attraction to Tom has never gone away but I have been able to contain it, argue myself out of it. Now it is taking a sharper shape again, coming back into focus. If I tell him, I am risking everything, my heart, my trust, my life. Because I know if he hurts me I won't be able to get over it. It had taken me a long time with Ivan and even longer with Max but I know deep down that Tom is special, that I won't get over him. I have just convinced myself that pursuing Tom is foolish when I hear noises in the bushes. I turn and Tom is by my side. He sits down next to me.
"I'm sorry to intrude, I was just worried about you."
He says it with the softest voice and all my resolve begins to break down. He reaches out and squeezes my shoulder and I close my eyes, relishing the touch, teasing myself because I know I can't let it go any further. He doesn't let go. I open my eyes and we just hold the gaze.
"If there's something bothering you, we can talk. You know I care for you."
He continues to hold my gaze, his hand still touching me. I lift my hand and place it on his, as he continues stroking my shoulder. Something passes between us, an unconscious message and I lean forward.
"Commander, Tom, Voyager's arrived." Harry's excited voice breaks the spell.
I jump up, realising how close I have come to opening myself up again. Tom moves forward.
"We need to talk, about us."
"I think we've said all we need to say about us." I know I am hurting him, maybe the friendship thing isn't such a good idea, maybe if I push him away enough he'll see the sense.
I march away towards Harry. The dreams have unsettled me and I need to put as much space between us as possible. We clear up the campsite in silence, Harry quickly picking up on the atmosphere between Tom and me and deciding to stay quiet. As soon as we are back on Voyager I make my way towards sick bay and then to my quarters for 24 hours leave. That's where I intend to stay, in my quarters, away from everyone.
I awake from the dream. This time I hadn’t come, I was still hard, painfully hard. For Tom. I began stroking myself while I thought over the dream. I had walked into my bedroom and he had been laid there, naked on my bed, face down with his legs splayed. He asked me to fuck him and fuck him hard. I obliged but half way through he had turned his head and told me he loved me. That's what had woken me up. Now I thought over the feel of my body on his and stroked myself to completion. I didn't want to think about the declaration of love.
The rest of the day I either spent on the Holodeck taking my aggression out on some opponent in the ring or spent with my spirit guide who at the moment was being no guide at all. I settled down to sleep hoping all the exercise and the meditation had calmed my mind so I could get a restful sleep.
Again he was laid on my bed. He looked over his shoulder and asked me to take him hard. As I began to fuck him he began to goad me, telling me I wasn't the man Ayala was, that I couldn’t fuck like him, that I couldn't fill him like Greg, that I wasn't man enough for him. I began pounding in to him harder and then he began laughing at me, saying I couldn't fuck for shit. I became insane with jealousy, ramming into him, over and over and then as he screamed I came, plunging into him over and over again.
When I awake I am drenched in sweat, the emotions of the dream still with me. I feel rage and jealousy like I've never felt before and I knew how stupid it is. One thing I do know is that Paris and Ayala have never got it together. I get showered and dressed for my duty, delaying as long as I can. I am not looking forward to facing Paris on the bridge.
I am in command as the Captain is off duty for a few days. We have a quick briefing, I avoid eye contact, not just with Paris but with everyone. I sit in my chair, trying to look interested in some boring detail or other. Paris asks me one or two questions about the area and I answer curtly. When Greg makes a slight error at tactical I am on my feet giving him a dressing down before I realise what I am doing. All eyes turn to me as I berate my friend, including Tom's, which holds a questioning look. I sit back down until break and then call Greg to one side and apologise. He nods and offers his ear if I need to talk. Sometimes he knows me better than anyone.
At the end of shift Tom approaches me, asking me if I am alright. I answer yes, tell him I'll see him on shift tomorrow and get away from him as quick as I can. I spend some more time alone, some more time contemplating, not that it is doing me any good. Leaving it as late as possible to visit the holodeck, fighting the hardest opponent, I come back exhausted. I am trying to avoid a sedative, I need to be sharp on the bridge. After some hot milk and more meditation I settle down to sleep. I awake in the middle of the night, a noise or something bringing me up from sleep and I realise I have not dreamt of Paris. I close my eyes glad that I can settle down to some undisturbed sleep.
This time when the dream awakens me, I am screaming my release and sobbing at the same time. It had started the same, me walking into the bedroom, Tom lying naked. This time he sat up and crawled towards me, kissing me passionately, telling me how much he wanted me. I was soon aroused and then he knelt at my feet and began teasing me with his tongue. I felt like I was on fire. I was on the edge of coming when he stopped sucking me and began bringing me off with his hand. He leant over and whispered in my ear.
"I prefer to suck Harry, he tastes much nicer than you. I love taking him down my throat." I struggled to get up but he held me down, stroking me to bring me to climax.
"He's so much more of a man than you Commander, so much more." That's when I came sobbing and shouting.
I climb in the shower, cleaning myself but I cannot stop crying. It takes me an hour to get myself together, to find some balance to my emotions and I can only do that if I don't think about Paris.
Greg gives me a questioning look and I nod that I am fine. Tom does his best to ignore me, which I can't blame him after my treatment of him earlier. I go for lunch later than the others, hoping to find the mess hall quieter. After I have eaten I feel much better, things more in perspective. As I enter the bridge I see Kim and Paris chatting, laughing at something shared.
"Get to your posts, now. This isn’t Sandrine's. If you need to do your, never mind just get to your stations." I was going to say flirting, what the hell is wrong with me. The rest of the shift is done in silence, uncomfortable silence. I hang back at changeover, talking to the next shift and I don't see Tom waiting for me till it is too late and there is just us two in the lift.
"OK Commander, it's plain there's something bothering you and I think you need to talk about it. You look like shit."
"Leave me alone Paris." He looks hurt, confused.
"I thought we were friends, I thought we had put the past behind us and we had some kind of friendship between us. Must have got it wrong. Sorry I interfered."
I grab his arm to stop him leaving. "Tom, I'm sorry. I just need some time to sort things out."
"Well I hope you do it soon, because if you keep on biting people's heads of you are not going to be Mr Popular." The doors open and he storms out.
I have one more day in the Captain's chair and then I am going to see the doctor. I need something to get over these dreams, this bad temper.
The holodeck is booked, Paris and Dalby. It looks like that relationship is back on. I cannot risk dropping to sleep. I know now what I will dream of and I don't need another night of Paris telling me I am not man enough.
I sit up reading, listening to rousing music, anything to stop myself dropping to sleep. It must have been about 3 hours before I was due on the bridge when I wake up panting, sobbing. Again. This time the dream wasn't clear. I have to wait till I have calmed myself before the images came back. Goldie and Tom. Goldie slowly entering Tom. Tom moaning with pleasure. Both of them turning and laughing at me. Tom telling me that Goldie was twice the man I was. Goldie saying I wasn't man enough for him that was why he left me. This time I am not aroused, just hurt and I have a full day ahead staring at the cause of that hurt.
I notice Tom glancing at me in briefing but I ignore him, get the meeting over with as quick as possible. It is another quiet shift so I just stay at my seat, giving out a few orders. People must have picked up on the mood, as hardly a word is said. I don't give Tom a chance to have a word with me this time. Ten minutes before shift I hand over to Tuvok and make my way to sick bay. The doctor wants to know the ins and outs of why I want a sedative but one look and he hands it over.
I have been in my room ten minutes and the memories of the dreams come back to me. I search my drawers and find a bottle of whisky, the real stuff and begin pouring and pouring. I am not aware of the doors opening or of Paris, stood staring down at me. I only become aware when he takes the drink from my hand.
"What the hell are you doing? What's going on, you never drink."
"What do you care? Why do you give a shit?" I stumble as I reach for another drink and he reaches out to steady me. Just then the image of him with Harry Kim comes into my mind.
"Don’t touch me, don’t fucking dare touch me." I pull myself away from him and I know I am losing it but I can feel it all building up in me.
"I can see it clearly now. I was never enough for you, you always needed someone else on the side. I was never man enough, that's why you left, that's why you didn’t want me, that's why you're fucking Greg and Harry."
Everything is getting fuzzy around the edges, the man standing in front of me, the conversation, the memory of the dreams.
"What the fuck are you talking about? I've never been with Greg or Harry. Wait a minute, what's this hypospray?"
I hear him say oh shit and then call for transport.
I stretch out slowly, realising that my sleep for once has been dreamless. I open my eyes and then realise I am not in my room and then I remember it all. The dreams, my erratic behaviour, my drunken conversation with Tom. I turn and face the wall, groaning at my own stupidity. The man was just trying to be a friend and I harangued him for being concerned.
I feel someone lightly grip my shoulder and then quiet words whispered in my ear.
"Chakotay, you were more than man enough for me, you were always all the man I ever wanted."
TBC
Pursuing Chakotay by Darksusie
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