Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew are the property of Paramount.
I stare at the wall, Tom's words going round and round in my head. Then as a lump forms in my throat everything becomes clear to me. The dreams aren't telling me that I am not man enough for Tom sexually but that I am not man enough to face a relationship. I have thrown away a good thing because of my own insecurities. Maybe Tom would have hurt me, maybe not but I had closed myself off to the good as well as the bad. I was still facing the wall, inwardly groaning at my behaviour over the last few days when I again feel a hand on my shoulder.
"So Commander do you want to tell me what's been happening and why my First Officer is brought to sick bay, sedated and drunk?"
Her tone of voice lets me know she isn't at all pleased with my behaviour. I turn over and sit up.
"Do you mind if I get dressed and can we talk somewhere else, somewhere private."
She nods, looking at me concerned. "Tuvok's on the bridge. Come to my quarters and we'll talk."
I make my way to see Kathryn unsure what I am going to tell her. She makes me welcome, getting me tea as she settles down with her coffee.
I am defensive straight away. "I'm sorry if I have let you down but I was off duty. If Mr Paris hadn’t called I would have just slept it off and no-one would be the wiser."
"I know that Chakotay. I'm not here to reprimand you, only Tom, the doctor and I know about your condition and it will not go any further. But I am concerned about you. It has come to my attention that you were either very snappy or very quiet on the bridge. It is so unlike you. You know I'm a friend as well as the captain."
I tell her everything. About Ivan, Max, the dreams and my reaction to them, and my feelings that I have made a big mistake with Tom.
She listens, asking me to clarify some points and then asks me what I am going to do now.
"I'm going to explain to Tom and try to get back his friendship. As far as I know he is with Ken Dalby so a relationship is out of the question. We had started rebuilding our friendship before the away mission but I messed that up."
"Go do it now Chakotay. He deserves some explanation, some kind of apology. He only as your best interest at heart."
The computer informs me that Tom is in his quarters and I set off unsure of my welcome. As I step into his quarters I am that intent on what I am going to say that I don't at first see Dalby sat on the couch.
"Oh I'm sorry I don't want to interrupt anything. I’ll see you later." I turn to leave.
"No Commander I'm just going, Tom's all yours." Ken gives me a smile, a genuine one I think.
We both stand and watch Ken leave and then we both start speaking at once.
"Sit down Chakotay, you go first." He says it in a friendly voice, which relaxes me a little.
"I seem to be making a habit of this but I have come to apologise. I've been pushing you away and all you have been is a friend. I would hate to lose our friendship, especially through my own fault."
"I don't want to lose it either. Do you want to talk about what's been bothering you? I'm only concerned for you, you know that don’t you?"
I nod my head. "Maybe I'll talk about it some other time. I just want to apologise and say thanks for being a friend."
He moves toward me and grips my arm. "Anytime Chakotay."
I set off for the door, feeling a little lighter for this meeting.
"Chakotay, we are having a pool match in Sandrine's tonight if you want to join us."
"Maybe." I return to my quarters and have something to eat, feeling more like myself. I am not sure if I should go to the pool match but in the end I think it's better than being alone. I've been alone far too much lately. I feel like a teenager again as I sort through my wardrobe discounting half my clothes. If I go, and I still haven’t made my mind up, I want to look good.
I stand outside the holodeck strangely nervous. I keep telling myself that it's only a game of pool, it's only my friends. But it is more that that. What happens tonight could set the trend for the foreseeable future. When I enter I notice the room is crowded. The play offs haven’t started yet but there is a buzz in the air. I sit at the bar, trying my best not to be noticed. As usual there is a crowd around Tom's table and I notice Ken sat next to him, his arm resting on the back of Tom's chair, as though to say this man is mine. I sit watching the proceedings for a while, thinking I have made a mistake and at the first opportunity I will make my way back to my quarters.
Then everything becomes quiet, not in reality but in my mind. I realise that the dreams didn't just mean I wasn't man enough for a relationship but that it meant I wasn't man enough for Tom. When we had first got together I had been reserved but commanding. Everyone looked up to me, Tom looked up to me. I know quite a few of the crew had crushes on me but because of my reserved nature I had built up a reputation, I was an enigma to them. When I had taken charge of our relationship and made it plain I wouldn’t take any nonsense that was when he had responded well. Then I had let Max take charge, I had let the dreams take over, I had handed over my personal power. Now I would be my own person again. I wouldn’t step on Ken's toes but I was determined to pursue Tom, as a friend and if he came available, as a lover. But not from a position of weakness but this time one of strength.
I am pulled out of this revealing reverie by Nelix asking if anyone else wanted to be included in the tournament. I step forward and tell him to include me. Tom looks up and gives me a nod of greeting and so does everyone else at the table.
Tom plays B'Elanna first, amiably gloating over his victory, and then it is Greg's turn to play Tabor. We are soon down to the semi-finals. I am playing against Ken and Tom is playing against Ayala. We break for refreshments, all four semi-finalists sitting together for a quick drink.
Tom turns to all of us. "Why don't we have a side bet? The loser of the final prepares dinner for the winner. Food, wine, music, candles – all the works."
I look at the other two and they nod. I also nod in agreement but smile to myself because I think that Tom considers himself the winner already.
The first semi-final is me against Ken. Ken begins quite strongly, but he fluffs it and lets me in. I take no quarter because I am determined to be in the final, with Tom. Ken doesn’t get another chance, I down all the balls in one run. Like Max said, we had quite a lot of fun at the academy, it wasn't all studying.
Ken shakes my hand as he concedes defeat, tells me the better man won. Could be prophetic words if I get my way.
Ayala also gets off to a good start. For a while I can picture Greg, a candle lit dinner, soft music and me. Well he's a good friend, so it could be worse. But as soon as he makes a mistake Tom is in for the kill. He wins but it is a near thing. By now all the crowd in Sandrine's is taking an interest in the outcome of the game. I know that I am the underdog, everyone in the place thinks that Tom's the only contender, including me.
We have another break. This time there is just me and Tom sat at the table.
"So Chakotay, I'll tell you what I want now. I would like a pasta dish for starters, chicken pizza for main with a side helping of French fries, and for dessert you can surprise me. Music can be something mellow. I’ll bring the wine."
I lean forward getting into his space. "You are so sure of yourself Mr Paris. But I think that I will win, and it will be you slaving over a hot replicator for most of the day. I will want nothing but perfection."
I watch him swallow and lick his suddenly dry lips. I head towards the table. It’s a really tough match. The two crew members who have put a wager on me are shouting me home like nothing else. The captain has joined us.
We down the balls and only the black ball is remaining on the table. Tom takes a shot and misses. I strut towards the table, confident that the game is in the bag. I take my shot and you can hear the two crew members groan when I miss. Tom steps forward equally as confident. Too confident because he misses. He can't quite believe he hasn't downed the black ball by now. I need to win this shot, not just for the game but to stamp my authority on Mr Paris. His face is incredulous when I win, he just stares at me. I don’t have time to say anything because Chell and Henley have come up to congratulate me and before I know it I have swept Donna up into embrace. She looks pleased, not so Chell when I do it to him. I thank them both for having confidence in me.
As I walk back over to the group who are sat with Tom, I am already looking forward to the evening with him. I am so pleased he put on the side wager.
"Well Chakotay, it seems you did have a misspent youth." Kathryn gives me a knowing smile.
"Oh I think Mr Paris was a little off form tonight." I look over at Tom and smile.
"No, Chakotay you won fair and square. Congratulations. What's it to be, vegetable lasagne. I think the replicator can manage that.
"No replicators Tom, I want the meal prepared the old fashioned way. Nelix will lend you the facilities, I'm sure."
"Come on Chakotay, have a heart. I can't be slaving over a hot helm and then a hot stove." He gives me a dazzling, can I have my own way, smile and I melt.
"OK, I'll make it easy on you but I am sure you don’t deserve it. You can choose the menu, not lasagne, and the music. I'll bring the wine."
"Commander you are just to nice to him. You should have him preparing that meal all day, he was so sure he was going to win." Ken said to me cordially as he got up from the table.
Tom got up to go as well and the good mood began to collapse.
"Tomorrow, 1800 hours alright with you Commander?"
"Can’t tomorrow, Tom. What about the day after?"
He nods yes and they both leave. Kathryn squeezes my arm and nods towards the bar.
"You alright Chakotay?"
"I won’t stand in the way of Tom's happiness but it does hurt when I see them together. He seems to have settled down with Ken, better than he did with me. I will just have to be happy with friendship. That's all I can expect but this time it will have to be enough." I don' t know who I am kidding, her or me. I don't want it to be just friendship.
I hardly look or speak to Tom on the bridge the next day, keeping myself busy with reports and other things. I can see him trying to catch my eye but I just pretend I don't see him. I go to my quarters and call for a privacy lock. I am not doing anything in particular but I had told Tom I was busy, which was a lie. I am just eating my dinner when the chime breaks into my thoughts. I ask the computer who it is. Obviously Tom cannot wait until tomorrow to see me. I don’t answer and after a few minutes he goes away.
I think about Tom, what I would like to do to him. It has been quite awhile since I have kissed him, sucked on his tongue but the image and feel is always with me. I put on some relaxing music, take of my clothes, turn the lights low and lie on the couch. I pour a little oil on my chest, rubbing it into my nipples. I close my eyes and squeeze firmly. My cock hardens as I moan out loud. I reach down and begin stroking myself with my slicked hand. As I take my time I imagine my favourite position with Tom. We had only done it once but it had been so good. I stroke myself harder as I think over the time when he had come into my office calling for a privacy lock. He had let his trousers slip down and I could see he was prepared. He had looked over his shoulder and said take me now, hard. As I thought over how fiercely I had plunged into him I could feel myself getting close. My badge beeps and Tom's voice wafts over me.
"Go ahead Tom."
I am still stroking myself and I just need him to say something, anything, while I am imagining how I hard I had thrust into him. He is talking about a report but I am not listening to the words just the sound of his voice. As I remember how I had come with a shout and so had he, spraying all over my desk, my climax hits me and I am unable to hold back the moan.
"Chakotay are you alright? Are you ill?"
I cannot answer, I am still in the throes of ecstasy
"Chakotay, answer me please. Do you need me to come to your quarters?"
"Tom, I'm fine. I can't talk now. I'll get back to you later."
I am a bit shaken, Chakotay had sounded in pain or distressed. But as he didn't seem to want to talk to me I couldn't do anything about it. Making my way to meet Ken in Sandrine's I cannot help feeling concerned. I watch for the Commander showing up but he doesn't and I go to my quarters unsettled but non the wiser.
The next day I am at the helm. I don't have much to do, it is plain flying in this area. I am thinking over last night and how to approach Chakotay when it hits me. He hadn't been in pain or distress, the bastard had been having an orgasm. I had heard that sound often enough and the moan last night was the one he made when it was a particular intense climax. I turn around and look at him but he just smiles and his face doesn't give anything away.
So he is in a relationship, or at least fucking someone. That had been kept quiet. I hadn’t heard a thing on the grapevine. The question is, man or woman? I could just about cope with the idea of him with a woman but a man and what if he started bringing him to Sandrine's. What if I had to stand and watch Chakotay holding his lover's hand, kissing him. I am working myself into a real state. The bastard could have his meal tonight and then go. The quicker the better. Luckily, now I've built myself up to this state of mind it is time to go for lunch. I sit with Greg, Geron, Ken and Harry. Greg, Geron and I have put our differences aside and in fact I have been of some help, talking over with Geron my experience in prison.
I try to sound as casually as I can.
"I've heard on the grapevine that the Commander has a new lover. Anyone heard who it is?" I dig into my food, affecting an uncaring attitude.
"Are you sure? He's not mentioned it to me and I am sure he would." Greg looks at the other two.
"I've not heard anything," Ken adds. Geron shakes his head.
"Well if it’s true, which I doubt, it must be someone special. The only time he's not mentioned a budding romance to me, is you." Greg looks at me and grins.
"I just wondered, he's seemed a little preoccupied of late." Just then the man in question comes in, with Adamson. They are both laughing and I watch Chakotay indicate to Adamson to find a table. I am still watching when Chakotay sits down, with both his own lunch and Adamson's.
"Well that could be our man. If Chakotay's picking his lunch for him, he must know him pretty well." Harry turns back around.
"Yeah, I remember seeing Adamson eyeing the Commander up in the Gym. It must have taken a good whacking to get rid of the hard on he sported that afternoon." Ayala adds.
I am beginning to wish I hadn’t brought the subject up. Then Geron chips in.
"Well if it's anybody, I'd have thought it would have been Tabor. I've seen him coming out of the Commander's office at least three or four times in the past couple of weeks."
I stand up, ready to leave. I have heard enough.
"Well Tom, you're in the best position to find out. Ply him with wine tonight and loosen his tongue. Let us know what you find out in the morning." Harry raises his eyebrows suggestively.
Back at the helm I again have plenty of time to think. Chakotay doesn't come straight back to the bridge which gets me thinking overtime. Is it Tabor or Adamson he's got over his desk. I think back to the only time we had done that, it had been good, so very good. After an hour he comes back onto the bridge but we have no need to say much to each other. As I am leaving for the end of shift, he comes over to me.
"Still alright for tonight, Tom?" He reaches out and touches my arm. I involuntary pull away and I see confusion in his eyes.
"Yes, it's still on. That's if you want to?"
He gives me a wary look and nods. "See you tonight."
I call to see Ken on my way back and afterwards feel much calmer. I sit and mull over things. So Chakotay has got over our break-up and maybe his unsettled behaviour on the away mission had nothing to do with me and just maybe his declaration that he was not man enough was not directed at me at all. So what if he has a new lover that doesn't mean he cannot be interested in me again. I come to a decision. I am not going to get rid of him quickly like I decided this morning. I am going to take my time, give him good food, good atmosphere and good conversation. Maybe he will just come back for more.
The room is perfect, soft lighting, ambient music. I have decided on a spicy soup for starters, a stir fry for main, dessert I will decide on later. I spend the same amount of time on deciding what to wear. I don't want to come over as some wanton but I want to look good enough to eat and hopefully Chakotay will take the bait and try a nibble. I decide on a blue silk shirt, nice to touch as well as good to look at. I jump when the chime goes, take some deep breaths and open the door.
His effortless sexuality takes my breath away. Black trousers and a cream shirt, unbuttoned enough to show off his chest. He hands me a bottle of champagne.
"What's the occasion?"
"We are drinking to friendship, our friendship and our continuing friendship. I hope."
"I hope so to." I pop the cork and hand him a glass.
"To us." So he only wanted friendship. His eyes hold something else, something I am not quite sure of.
We sit down and begin our meal. The conversation flows easily, he compliments me on my choice of menu and music. I had intended bringing up his dreams on the away mission but we are having such a good time that I don't want to spoil the atmosphere.
Towards the end I bring up the night before. "I was really worried about you last night. You sounded very distressed." I watch as a blush creeps over his cheeks. So he does have something to hide.
"There was no need to worry, but thanks for the thought."
I can see he isn't going to expand on what happened.
We finish the meal and move over to the couch. If I didn’t know better I would think he was flirting with me. He is laughing at all my jokes, smiling at me all the time and I am doing the same back. Of course as we sat at the table I became aroused and I am still aroused. If Chakotay glances at either my nipples or my cock he will see how I am reacting to him. At the end of the night he gets up to leave but hesitates near the door.
"I've had a very enjoyable night, next time I'll have to replicate for you." He reaches over and touches my arm. I don't know if he is conscious of it but he begins stroking my shirt and I didn't think it was possible, but I am getting harder. As he realises what he is doing he moves away.
"Chakotay." He turns back around. "Can we get together next week?"
"I'd like that. Goodnight." For a minute I think he is going to kiss me but he walks out the door.
How I got out the door without ravishing Tom I will never know. I hadn’t realised I was stroking his arm until I had started to get aroused. He had been pleasant company, he had looked fantastic, he seemed to be flirty and he hadn’t mentioned Ken once.
The next day on the bridge I make sure I praise him at least once and after lunch I manage to squeeze his shoulder, leaving my hand there longer than is necessary, enjoying the feeling. He turns and gives me a dazzling smile.
That night I decide to visit Sandrine's to see what Tom is up to, see how him and Ken are getting on. As I enter Adamson shouts me over to the bar, so I join him for a drink. He's been having trouble coming to terms with the Delta Quadrant. A couple of weeks ago he become depressed at the thought he would never see his family again. Whatever he did he couldn't get over the idea that we were stuck out here. I had been helping him both to come to terms with our situation but also to give him hope that we would get home. We talk for a while and then make our way over to the pool table. I am winning, hands down but I can see Adamson is enjoying himself and I am pleased. We put away the cues and as I turn, I see Tom sitting with some of our mutual friends. I grab Adamson's arm and move with him towards the group.
"You don’t mind if we join you do you?" Everyone nods and I go back to the bar to get the drinks. I don't hear Tom approach from behind.
"You two seem close." Before I have chance to comment he has set off towards the door. I sit back down
"Tom's retired early?" I comment to Ken.
"Something's upset him."
After a couple of drinks, Ken asks me to a game of pool. I agree, it's unusual but he's a good player and I could do with the practice.
After a couple of shots, he gives me a look, a look that says he wants to ask me a question but doesn't know how to start.
"So you and Adamson been together long?" He bends back down before I can see his face.
"Me and Adamson? I've been helping him to work out some issues, that's all."
My turn. "How are things going with you and Tom?"
"Me and Tom. I don’t know what you mean, we haven't been together for ages. Not since that incident with Geron."
"But you're still good friends?"
"Very good friends and I hope whatever happens we stay good friends."
I think that is a strange statement but I don't call him on it. We finish, Ken wins, my mind isn't on the game. I say my goodnights and go for a walk, thinking over the things Ken has said.
I don't know how but I have ended up outside Tom's quarters. I press the chime and wait. There is no answer. I press again. The door opens and a sleepy, delectable Tom Paris stands, staring at me bemusedly. I let the door close behind me, sweep him into my arms and kiss him savagely. I let him go and walk out.
The next day on the bridge he avoids me, avoids even looking in my direction. I could have made a mistake but how he had responded last night, I didn't think so. As we break for lunch, he holds back and catches my arm.
"Could I have a word with you in your office Commander."
We walk to my office in silence. Maybe I am mistaken and he is going to tell me to leave him alone. The door shuts behind me and then my breath is leaving my body as I am shoved against the wall. This time he is kissing me for all he is worth. In a reversal of the day before, he turns and walks out the room.
As we stand in the turbo lift at the end of the shift, Tom leans over. "See you in Sandrine's tonight." I nod, the sexual heat already building up in me.
I sit in a booth, watching the door for Tom. He comes in with Harry and they go straight to the pool table. I watch him, I watch how he bends over, I watch how he handles the cue, how he laughs at something Harry says. I am in the shadows so I reach down and gently stroke my hardening dick, savouring every movement Tom makes
I see that they have finished their game and Tom looks across towards me. I indicate to him to come over and join me.
He stands very close, looking at me.
"Can I ask you a personal question Tom?" He nods
""Are you fucking Dalby?"
"No. Are you fucking Adamson?"
"No." I reach out and take his hand, stroking the back of it with my thumb. I stand up facing him, still rubbing his hand.
"Do you want to fuck me?"
He turns his head away and moans.
"Please Chakotay, don’t play games with me."
I take his hand and rub it against my still hard cock.
"No games Tom."
"I'm sorry I just can't." Before I know what he is doing he's out the door. I move quick but the corridor is empty. Asking the computer for a location I find out Tom is in the main observation lounge. I make my way there quickly and march in, calling for a privacy lock.
"Tom." He turns around and I see tears in his eyes.
"I can’t do this Chakotay. I can’t do the casual sex thing anymore. You mean too much to me."
I hold his face, just looking at the beautiful man in front of me. I kiss him gently, stroking my hands over his chest.
"I don’t just want sex with you, Tom. I want a relationship with you. I want what we once had. But at the moment all I can think about is you making love to me."
My hand slides up his chest, playing with his hardening buds. Then he is slowly undoing my shirt, worshiping my chest with his tongue. Then he stops.
"Can we go back to your quarters. After we have made love I'd like to fall asleep in your arms."
"Paris, you're going to kill me with frustration."
"Can't have that can we Chakotay."
Then he is on his knees, sucking me hard. My hands are carding through his hair. I have missed this, missed him. I'm coming down his throat within minutes.
As I help him to his feet, he looks at me seriously.
"Chakotay, before I take you, I need to tell you something. I'm in love with you. If I make love to you I need to know we are serious about each other. I'm sorry but I need commitment."
I take his hand and lead him to his quarters.
His face is down, dejected.
"Tom, get a change of uniform, some sleeping clothes and anything else you might need in the near future."
He looks at me questioningly.
"Do it, Mr Paris." He quickly prepares an overnight bag.
I don't say anything else, just lead him to my room.
"Put your bag down there." We just look at each other, taking our time. Tom begins to take off his clothes and makes his way to the bedroom.
I stand at the door, watching his pale body laid out as in the dreams. He looks so vulnerable but so sensual.
I lie down next to him and take his hand in mine.
"Tom before we get into any serious discussion, please I just want you to fuck me. Will you."
He moans and leans over for a kiss. "I would love to make love to you." I hand him the lube and he begins preparing me, stretching me, caressing the spot that gives me so much pleasure and then he is slowly entering me. Then he is fucking me hard. Hard and relentless. He fills me like nobody else. Then we are both coming, holding on to each other like our life depends on it.
He lies in my arms, clinging to me. I can’t get enough of stroking his body. He turns to me and gives me a little smile.
"Can I ask you something? What happened on the last away mission, with the dreams?"
I pull him to me. "I dreamt about you. With me, with Greg, with Harry." I paused, it felt stupid now that I was actually putting it in words. "With Max. In the dreams you were taunting me that I wasn't man enough for you and I took it literally but in the end I figured I just wasn't man enough to take on a relationship with you. But I want you more than life, Tom Paris."
"Chakotay another question. The other day when you sounded distressed. I recognised the sound of you having an orgasm, who were you with?"
I felt him tense up.
"I was with you."
"Don’t lie to me Chakotay, you know I wasn’t with you."
"Oh you was Tom. I was jerking off to the thought of you in my office. You caught me just as I imagined hammering into you."
He laughed, with relief. "You bastard. Why didn't you call me over."
"Would you have come?"
"I would when I saw you jerking off."
"That isn't what I meant. So are you going to move in with me?"
"So what are you asking, Chakotay. Move in, marriage, having my babies?"
"Tom, moving in, marriage, I'd love to. But babies you have not a cat in hell's chance."
"Well then I'll settle for the moving in and marriage. Will you marry me Chakotay."
"I'd love to, but Tom, definitely no babies."
"OK but plenty of loving?"
"Oh definitely plenty of that."
The end
Pursuing Chakotay by Darksusie
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